I finally had a natural birth, ironic that it was a miscarriage
Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 11:23PM After four cesareans, Desalie was pregnant and planning a VBAmC. This story discusses losing a very wanted pregnancy.
I finally had a natural birth, ironic that it was a miscarriage. I wanted to share my story because no-one really tells you how it is.
In my mind a miscarriage was something like your menstrual cycle. And I never expected to have one as I’d never had the slightest tinge of a problem.
It was all finished so quickly in the end, but it’s so, so wrong. I’m supposed to be pregnant. I was wondering if I’d feel my baby move earlier this time. I had names, I had plans, hopes and dreams. And I had a place in our family for this new little member.
It was my 14th anniversary, and my daughters 6th birthday. I had a slight spotting, so that you weren’t even sure of it. Didn’t feel worried. Then I felt like I had period pains all afternoon. After my husband came home from work I felt like I needed to go to the E.R. I really thought they’d tell me my scar was just stretching, and everything was fine.
Unsuspectingly I walked the hall to the ultrasound room.
The lady with “the magic wand” asked if I was sure of my dates which I found confusing. I was fairly sure, but hadn’t had any early scans to be positive. She though the baby looked 4 weeks younger than my dates. Then she said she couldn’t find a heartbeat. Meanwhile I, who appreciates art in all its forms, couldn’t make any sense of the image on the screen. I was sure I’d just need another scan later. In my head I was busy computing dates and trying to get a “right” formula from that. I specifically remember celebrating my birthday, but couldn’t come up with any other date, that would give them the right to say my baby was gone.
I am glad I had the scan because it was my only reality of the baby. There was actually one showing on the screen, and I was terrified of not seeing anything, and feeling like everyone would think I’d made it all up.
I had a blood test and an anti-d shot. Got sent home, still trying to find and explanation for my husband, having none for myself and still trying to line up numbers in my head.
Nothing happened for a couple of days. I had no idea of what to expect symptom wise. Was it going to hurt? Would It just be like a period, or would I see my little baby fall in the toilet? How long was it normal to bleed for? I didn’t want a D &C because of my scar. I still wasn’t sure if I’d try again, and didn’t want my uterus totally out of commission. Was it even viable anymore though. It was certainly letting me down now.
I was angry with pro choice lobby for convincing people it’s only a blob of tissue. The total lack of tact and compassion from some people is mind boggling. I had a baby in my belly, not an elephant, or an alien. A baby…with a name, and it would have had a little heartbeat before it died. I was angry with my Mum who was now cradling my baby in her arms. It was my baby. I was damn angry with God, because he’s stabbed me right through the heart. I know life isn’t meant to be easy, and mine never has been, but this was straight out cruel.
I was pregnant but not pregnant. I knew there was another angel in Heaven, but what to do with its tiny, sweet little body. My midwife encouraged me to let the baby go, and birth it. I couldn’t believe it had been gone for so long and I didn’t know. I already loved it, so where was my maternal instincts?
We went away for the weekend to be out of touch with some people who wouldn’t have been comforting at all. Over the weekend in a quiet, safe place, everything started happening. I felt it was calm and gentle, and I was dealing with it. We came home and I felt o.k. Monday and Tuesday my husband went off to work. I had no idea still what would happen, and how long it would take.
Tuesday afternoon I started to drown in my grief, and I couldn’t bear my other children touching me. I wanted to talk, but what words make sense?
Time took the rest of the week off. Wed morning we went out with girls to get groceries. How mundane at such a time, but a necessity. Everywhere were pregnant women, and it should have been me .New babies, and I wondered if mine would have looked like that.
Before I even got started on what I needed, the pains came. Not labour like pain, not pushing pain, but the feeling of being stabbed with a dozen knives.
We went straight up to the E.R. I thought the duty nurse felt I was “putting it on a bit”. She was asking a bunch of useless questions, while I was still being stabbed and losing my baby’s life. Told me she couldn’t help me with pain relief, since I couldn’t take anything she had. And I might as well take ibuprofen since “it didn’t’ really matter anymore”. She finally took me through the back to do my ob’s. And then berated me because I hadn’t brought pads, and what did I think I was going to do? I so badly wanted to say “Oh yes, I usually go around prepared with all things needed for a trip the E.R. Let me just fish it all out of my bag.”
She finally gave me something and left me alone in the toilets. Alone there, with a total lack of compassion or support, and a couple more agonising pains, I finally birthed my little baby. I don’t know how long I sat there with all the lifeblood everywhere around me, calling for help. Two nurses finally figured out where I was and helped me out into a room.
And really that’s the end of my story. I saw a doctor and went home. That’s how I got my “natural” birth. Now I have to find a way to live again. A way to hope again. A way to be brave enough to try again, for the baby I desperately want to bring home alive and well. I need to validate the life of my baby, so short as it was.
Reader Comments (5)
My HBAC story:
My daughter was born at summerville medical center in Summerville, SC 3 years ago this past september. Labor started normally, and like most first time parents, we went to the hospital too early. I wanted a natural childbirth, hired a doula, but still felt more comfortable going to the hospital because I didn't know what to expect. Needless to say, after 24 hours of labor and one intervention after another cunningly suggested at my most emotional points during my labor, I ended up in the OR at 10:00pm est. on september 18, 2006. I remember telling my doula that the ONE thing I didn't want to happen was for someone to put a knife on me, but that's exactly what I got. My doctor had told me that my pelvis was too small to deliver my child before I went into the OR. However, during the surgery right after they pulled my 8lb 1oz baby out of me, she said "OH! she's sunny side up and her head is lodged in her pelvis because of it...just as I thought!" I felt completely duped. NOBODY had even suggested that it was malpositioning that stopped my labor. Nope, it was my incompetent pelvis that caused me not to be able to have my baby. Needless to say, about a year later, I got pregnant again. I hired a home birth midwife, her assistant, and a doula to help support me in having the birth I had been dreaming of even since my daughter was born. Labor for my son started at 6am on August 19, 2008. It was a beautiful sunny day. I sent my husband off to work telling him I was just having some braxton hicks contractions, and that I'd call him if I needed him home. An hour later both my doula and my husband were at the house with me with regular contractions coming upon me, but still very early labor. I called my midwife and told her to do her morning appointments and head on out after she ate some lunch. My husband and I decided to go for a walk around the neighborhood. I stopped at a friends' house along the way to say hi to her and let her know that i was in labor (she was to come and video tape the birth for me that evening). I had some contractions in her house while we were chatting. I checked my mail, walked back home and decided to have my midwife check my cervix to see if I was far enough along for her to stay, or if she could go run some errands. Needless to say, she stayed, labor progressed in the birth pool, I was well supported and loved. I finally got the urge to push, and I pushed for a good hour and a half in the tub, but couldn't get quite comfortable enough to relax and open up. So we decided to try the toilet. Sure enough my son started to crown and I immediately stood up and said "I AM NOT HAVING THIS CHILD ON THE TOILET!" I was so tired at that point, I just wanted to lay down. So I laid on my bed on my left side. Hoisted my right leg up practically over my head, and my son was born not 20 minutes later. I was able to reach down and catch him myself. What a miraculous experience. I remember my husband saying to me "Emily! YOU just had a Homebirth VBAC! YOU REALLY DID IT!" I was dumbfounded, amazed, and completely in love and at peace...finally at peace....I gave birth to my baby. About an hour later, the cord was clamped and cut. and my son was weighed.....8lbs 14oz...almost an entire pound heavier than my daughter was....and my previous doctor told me my pelvis was too small? I don't think so! :)
I can totally relate to how you feel. I feel like my overwhelming drive to have another child is to make it up to the children that I lost, to prove to them and to myself that I am not a failure and that I can do right by them and give life. Your child was lucky to have you as a mom.
I wish you good health and good luck.
I don't know how you feel, I can only imagine and I don't want to do that. After thinking my own son had died and was being delivered stillborn via c-section, I heard him cry out and the world went right. For weeks I wept, still relieving my body of the grief of my son's death, the trauma of an emergency surgery and then the complete change in my life when he was pulled out alive. No one seemed to understand, everyone just kept saying 'You're so lucky! You were here, and now you have a healthy baby! That's all that matters!'
I'm terrified of becoming pregnant again. I'm afraid of being touched, my relationship is now almost completely devoid of intimacy. And I don't mean sex- I mean any touching at all, even down to hand-holding. I flinch when hands come near me. All I want is my son. My son that I and my body failed again and again, all I want is him. I would love to someday give him a brother or sister, but my broken heart doesn't know if she can take it. I am so afraid of living what you have lived. I've tasted enough of losing a child to know I never want the full course.
I am so sorry.
Someone, I saw a previous comment that referenced expecting a stillborn baby and giving birth via cesarean to a live baby. I would have e-mailed then. I'm glad you shared more. What you have endured is inconceivable to me. I can't even wrap my brain or heart around what it would be like to grieve the death of a baby only to find out that he is alive unexpectedly and ready to go home with you. What a complex, overwhelming mix of emotions.
Are you familiar with Solace for Mothers? The women who run the site are wonderful and they have an online, safe forum for women who have suffered traumatic births. http://solaceformothers.org/birth_trauma.html.
Comment any time.
Jill
I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. I had two miscarriages back to back. The first one was at 9 weeks and like you I saw my baby on a sonogram. It was perfectly clear to me that there was no heartbeat. I didn't know any better and I was scheduled for a D&C the next day. I remember waking in recovery crying. The nurses ignored me and my husband wasn't allowed back. It was a matter-of-fact everyday occurrence for my doctor and the nursing staff. But I had lost my baby. When I later did research and realized that my precious baby had been disposed of as medical waste I was so angry. I still cry to this day thinking about it. (It's been 8 years) My second miscarriage I had at home. In a quiet and private way my husband and I had a chance to say goodbye that time. I know it seems so impossible to you right now but you will heal somewhat with time. I won't lie and say I never think of them because I do, but the grief doesn't paralyze me like it used to. I have special Christmas ornaments on the tree for them and a boy and girl statue in my garden. By the way, I became pregnant again, three months after my second miscarriage and had a beautiful baby boy. When people ask me how many children I have I like to say 5, three with me and two that passed. I will never deny that I am their mommy just as much as I am the mother of my living children. I wish you the very best luck and my heart is with you.