"I was robbed of the chance to give birth"
Sunday, March 7, 2010 at 10:26PM 
Sixteen weeks ago I failed to give birth. I use that word quite deliberately, failed, because that is what I feel happened. I didn’t have a medical emergency that required intervention, my life, and the life of my baby weren’t in danger, I just wasn’t in labour. My caregivers were either unwilling or unable to support a wait and see approach so despite there being no medical need, I was given an induction which ultimately ended in a C-section.
I sit here, several months on and my anger is still undimished that I was robbed of the chance to give birth. That one act, which so fundamentally defines you as a woman, which on a primeval and visceral level tells you that you ‘work’ robbed from me because of a lack of patience.
Before I even left the hospital I knew things would be different next time, I knew that I wouldn’t allow ego to deprive me of something so fundamental to my self esteem, my womanhood, me. VBAC is a right, but more than that it is a sense of hope. The feeling of being cut open to save your baby from the failings of your body to operate to a modern timetable is a terrible one, and an un necessary one. VBAC is something that those of us who have gone through such an experience cling to, as a way of reclaiming our bodies and our birth experiences.
It is not important to rationalise why the birth experience is such a fundamental part of being a woman, the point is, it just is. Modern medicine is so ready to strip away anything seen as unnecessary, but it cannot strip away that fact. The sooner that message starts to get through, the better off we’ll all be!
Reader Comments (10)
You have just put in to words the feelings I have been trying to express for nearly 3.5 years now. My experience with my first daughter was as you described - an unnecessary induction based on an arbitrary time table which led to an unnecessary c-section after 18 hours of labor on my back in a hospital bed. I, too, was determined to VBAC the next time. Though my hospital would allow my "trial of labor" with my second baby, I felt completely unsupported and as though I was being set up to fail. I spent months looking at my options and decided to VBAC at home with a midwife. Because of Iowa's laws on homebirth, my options for a care provider were extremely limited, though I did find a wonderful midwife after about 3 mos of searching. I went into labor on my OWN (exactly 2 weeks PAST my due date) and had an amazing labor at home. Unfortuantely, my c-section scar came very near rupture and I was forced into a repeat c-section after 26 hours of labor. The damage is so extensive that I've been told I will likely only be able to have one more child and will probably get a "two-fer" in the form of a repeat c-section and hysterectomy on birth-day. My unnecessarean CAUSED my second c-section to be truly necessary and because of it, I will never give birth - all thanks to a doctor who just HAD to induce because I was 6 days past my due date, despite the complete lack of evidence that anything was medically wrong. I, too, am still angry. The scars on and in my body will fade, but the scar on my soul will be as vivid the day I die as it is was the day my first child was cut from my abdomen. Take the time you need to grieve your loss and do your best to ignore the "the baby is all the matters" comments from those who were lucky enough to avoid the knife. I hope you are able to VBAC someday and that your labor and birth will provide you some sense of healing. **hugs**
I feel the same way you do.
I was induced at 36 weeks for what I was told was pre-e. (find out weeks later it was preg induced hypertension, and was soley based on 2 high readings, and no other abnormal testing- no protient, etc)
After 7 hours of pitocin my dr broke my water. about 2 hours later I was told that I was having a c section. The reason I was given was heart decels. I had been watching the monitor like a hawk, and there were none. but I, a first time mom, who thought i could trust my dr., agreed hesitantly. again i later found out that the reason for the c section was not heart decels. baby was fine. The dr. said it was failure to progress. I was given 2 hours to progress!? I am livid. My dr. was actually fired a few weeks after my labor (don't know why).
VBAC is not allowed here. If I want to have one I would have to travel 1 1/2 hours for all appointments and for the birth.
I had a c-section for my first child, b/c she was breech. I was completely devestated when I got the news that she was breech b/c I so wanted to deliver naturally. I understand what you are feeling. I felt that I missed out on a rite of passage, a part of womanhood that I so desperately wanted. But, with time, I got over it. I look at my daughter and can't begrudge her birth. That was her birth, what she and I went through together. Granted, it wasn't how I had always envisioned it, but it was still her birth and nothing will change that. You ladies did give birth, try to embrace it, even if it wasn't how you had planned it. I mean, really, is any part of being a parent how you planned it? Having a c-section, a vaginal birth, a home birth, or whatever doesn't make you any more or less a mother or a woman. I honestly do understand your feelings, but I really hope you can come to terms with something that can't be changed.
I'm sorry your birth didn't go as you had wanted, and that you feel the way you do. I too had a c-section after never even considering the possibility! Fortunately I never had that feeling of failure described by so many - I guess I was lucky and just didn't really see it that way. I feel like my birth stories are unique and special as any other, vaginal or not. I hope you too can find peace, pride, and joy when you look back on the experience some day. And of course you gave birth to your baby! You gave your baby life :) Good luck to you and your family.
I still feel the same way and my son is almost 4.5 years old. I wasn't even "allowed" to go past my due date all because he didn't want vacation plans ruined. I was induced when i was barely dilated, waters were broke at 2 cm and i never progressed beyond 4 cm. The dr.'s diagnosis was cephalopelvic disproportion. To make matters worse 8 months after my son was born my dad's girlfriend went on o have a perfect vaginal birth. Three pushes and my brother was born.
The high rate of c-section delivery is a tragedy reflecting the failings of modern medicine, when so many like the examples here resulted not from medical necessity, but the medicalizing of childbirth, and the dehumanizing of medical delivery.
My own c-section was a medical emergency and while I am grateful for the safe birth of my son I still have many unresolved feelings about the whole experience.
With over 20 years experience in massage and body work, I was inspired to do something to help other women in their c-section recovery, developing abdominal binders and a self massage guide. Now we have just created a social network community for c-section moms, a safe place where we can share our experiences and knowledge. It's just finished being built and can be found at C-Section Recovery Community
hope to see you on the inside.
Aloha
Christine
I too had an unnecerean after the start of such a natural labor. My water broke at 39 weeks,I called my OB stat who said to go immediately to the hospital. My husband and I made it to the hospital just 1 hour later and after being there for 3hours and being just 1 cm dilated I was given cervadil which led to incredibly strong contractions. After14 hours of terrible pain I was still only 2 cm dilated and went for the epidural... then c-section. I'm so angry that I didn't just stay home and let the contractions come on their own. I even said to my husband it seems weird to go to the hospital and I'm not having contractions. But, I trusted my OB. It is such a deep down hurt. I have a beautiful son who's very healthy,I am grateful, but it hurts to know what could have been. Thanks for sharing.
Wow, you summarised perfectly what I struggle to express.
My caesarian was premature, if not totally unnecessary - meconium-stained waters but no sign of foetal distress. I was given a c section for no other reason than "you could be here another 6 or 7 hours". It was a private hospital, in the middle of the night, I was the only woman labouring and it was a public holiday. The doctor had been called in, she clearly didn't want to wait around until morning to see my baby born.
Oh, and C sections cost more so they could give us a steeper bill.
I am still, a year and a half on, very sad about how things turned out. I wish I had stood up for myself more at the time but you trust doctors to do what's best for you. I am very grateful that my daughter is healthy but I can't say that I have been without problems myself. It's major surgery, the recovery was incredibly painful, and I will do everything I can to fight for the VBAC I so desperately want when the little one I am expecting makes her appearance.
This is my story. I have daily regrets that I listened to the drs and not my own body. Things WILL be different next time.
I too had an unnecceasrean with my son 7.5 years ago. I was filled with so much disappointment and anger after realizing all of the interventions (epidural then pitocin) actually set me up for a c-section due to being in a hospital bed (epidural/insurance risk) on my back or my side and no movement to rely on GRAVITY (like when you stand up to rock your hips) to help my baby descend and turn - he ended up getting stuck face up instead of head down... I got to 9cm after 17 hours of labor when he started to show heart decels. He was in stress mode, little did I know Pitocin causes LOW blood pressure!! I myself have low blood pressure to begin with, so it lowered my blood pressure further causing less blood to the umbilical cord and heart decels for my baby. An epidural can actually slow contractions (didn't know that either) so that's why they gave me the pitocin. Once that happened, the dominoes kept falling ... epidural...no gravity for decent, you must stay in bed... contractions slow ....pitocin given to increase contractions....low blood pressure .... heart decels.... c-section! For my second baby, I was determined to have a VBAC. I left my doctor right after my 6 week check up (whom I had been with for 15 years) because she said I couldn't have a VBAC for the next baby since my diagnosis for the C-sect was cephalopelvic disproportion - meaning your pelvis is too small ... kinda funny since there are 42 women on both sides of my family who have had vaginal births and NONE have had a c-sect except me! I searched for 8 months to find a new doctor that would let me VBAC. I ended up at a new practice that had mid-wives on staff with whom I interviewed. 10 months after the birth of my son I had vidication! When I told the midwife my birth story and family history, she chuckled and said, "I highly doubt you have a small pelvis" and explained the intervention domino effect - I was astonished that no doctor had ever explained the side effects of all of those interventions! 3 years ago I had my daughter by VBAC and I was extremely lucky to have the same midwife that I had interviewed with 4 yrs prior to help deliver my daughter. I also educated myself as much as possible on unmedicated and natural birth. Through a mutal friend who had experienced the same c-sect birth as me, I discovered hypnobirthing through a company called Hypnobabies. You can find them on the web. I was very skeptical at first but I ordered their program thinking what could it hurt?! It was more than just self-hypnosis, but truly is a "deep relaxation method" (not the "you're getting sleepy..when you wake up you'll be a dog" type of hypnosis) but the program was an entire educational package on how to "unmedicalize" your brain and thoughts on what birth should be. How to talk to the medical staff/doctors when insisting on the type of birth you WANT, and it touches on all the side effects of each intervention and why to avoid it! It was very empowering and gave me so much information that I had NEVER READ in any other "birth" book!! I am not one of those people that deals well with pain but I can honestly tell you that I didn't feel any pain while giving birth to my daughter while using all of the Hypnobaby techniques. I gave birth at the hospital with my midwife, and doctor, no epidural, no IV (just a port ready), was free to move around and birth as I wished and was NOT continuously hooked up to a fetal monitor. (1x every hour for 15 min) was the deal because I was a prior c-section patient. When my daughter was born, quietly and in the dark of my hospital room with only white christmas lights blinking over my bed, I cried so hard I didn't think I would stop. Everyone else in the room thought I was crying for the accomplishment of an unmedicated VBAC that was so deeply needed for my soul to erase the horror of my first birth experience ... in actuality, I was finally crying and grieving over the perfect birth that I could not give to my son 4.5 years before. My soul was finally releasing all of the grief and loss that I could not shake off my shoulders since the moment they strapped me to that table in the operating room!