The ‘Birth’ of Ruby Hobbs
Friday, June 18, 2010 at 12:23PM 
By Bronwyn
It took me a year to start to dissect my c - section and begin to question my midwife, S - who I had previously ensconced on a pedestal. She gave us so much information on the pros and cons of home vs. hospital during the 22 hours of antenatal classes we attended, and is still one of the most knowledgeable people on the subject of birth that I have ever met. I became so radically opposed to everything to do with hospital that in the end, the sense of failure and mortification I had to bear when I ended up in that dreadful place was unbearable.
We had decided on a home birth because two very good friends had had wonderful births with S. So we managed to get in early – she is very busy and takes no more than 6 clients a month. We thought we were so lucky. During the next 8 months she pumped us full of info, helped my husband to understand why circumcision was unnecessary and harmful, set my mind at rest as to the necessity of drugs in labour and sent us to sex and vaccination talks. She showed us the science of natural, drug free and non interventionist birth and why it was better for mothers and babies. She made us feel safe and sure in the knowledge we were cared for by the best homebirth midwife in our city.
So when my back up gynae told me at 39 weeks that my oversize baby was going to have to be born by 41 weeks or he would induce me, she sent me for acupuncture to get baby to engage. 2 days later I sat up in bed and felt a tiny gush. A little squirt, no more than a quarter cup of fluid. I smelled it and it was definitely amniotic fluid. I called S immediately, excited. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘’unfortunately it sounds like a hind water break but I have to notify your doctor. You have 6 hours to go into labour.’ I was a little taken aback – surely we could give it a day or so – she had been telling us all along that my body should not be rushed or timed. So I spent the day going back and forth to the acupuncturist, lying painfully in the dark with electric needles in my body. The doctor gave us 12 hours at first, then 24, but in the end, after a sleepless night and 5 sessions of acupuncture each 45 minutes long, we ended up in hospital. My doctor arrived, as did S. He handed over the meds which she administered, a dose of gel applied to my cervix. It stung. We waited for ages for it to work, eventually about 2 hours later I started having mild contractions, which slowly got stronger and stronger. When I had dilated enough, S checked and found my fore waters were intact. ‘Excellent’ she said, ‘you can go home, your contractions will stop.’ They were starting to feel pretty powerful and I asked what would happen if they didn’t stop. ‘They will.’ S replied, ‘Tell your body to stop contracting, have a bath and eat some carbs. I have 2 moms due before you so you need to wait your turn.’ (Um… didn’t you tell me that due dates are different for every woman?)
So we went home at around 4 o clock. The contractions were getting stronger and stronger, more and more painful. My husband, exhausted, went to watch TV while I lay in the bath, sore and uncomfortable. I had a bowl of mashed potatoes and waited for these contractions to die down. At about 5 I asked him to time them, which he did from the other room – timing my loud unhappy moans. 2 to 2.5 minutes apart and 1 minute long. When he came in and I looked at the times I said ‘Call S’ ‘No.’ he said, ‘She said they would go away.’
By this stage I felt like such an idiot, like everyone was exasperated with me and my stupid body was not cooperating and I couldn’t get my stupid mind to stop my stupid body from doing the wrong thing. ‘Just call her.’ I pleaded. So he did. He came back in a few minutes later and said ‘S says you need to relax and tell your body to stop contracting. One dose of gel is not enough to start labour.’ This was about 6 o clock. At 8 he called her again. I had been in the bath for 3 hours and had noticed that the baby seemed to have changed position, from anterior to posterior. S said if I was still contracting in half an hour he should call again and she’d come. My husband had been in the TV room all evening, occasionally stepping in to ‘check’ on me and tell me to relax. Eventually at 9 S arrived. I was in the bedroom by now, tired of being wet and uncomfortable in the bath. I was mooing through my very uncomfortable contractions and she immediately admonished me and told me to breathe a different way. It felt wrong but I did it, wanting to be a good girl. She examined me and I had not dilated any more than the 1cm I had been at at 3 o clock that day. (Small wonder as I was so desperately trying to stop labour, how could my cervix dilate while I was in that state of mind) S drew another bath and told me to get in it. She said she was going to get these contractions to stop and we were all going to get a good nights sleep, and that the baby was not ready to be born. ‘Relax. Stop contracting.’ Uh… ok, how?
About an hour later she called my doula, who arrived at around 11, A. A was a lovely woman who only works as a doula for S, all S’s mothers use her. I barely saw A as she and my husband ran around filling the birth pool which took until 3 in the morning. I was told to get out the bath as it seemed I was in labour after all. I made a cake while everyone bustled around me. I dropped to my knees for every contraction, sometimes onto my side. I was given another ve at some stage and I think S swept the membrane but I was pretty out of it and very sore – my spine felt like it was breaking apart. (Baby HAD gone posterior). I laboured with almost no contact from any of them – Steve and A were running around trying to fill the tub, S was writing in her book and timing me. It was a very surreal space. I am by nature a tactile and affectionate and very social person and I barely remember Steve touching me once or twice but I also remember there was a grim atmosphere – as if I was doing it all wrong and letting everyone down. When I was in the tub (blissful relief) I slept between contractions, Steve was sent to sleep in the lounge and S and A observed me. The only time I received any encouragement was when I said, during a contraction ‘I am a birth warrior’ (something I had wanted to chant in labour but had only just remembered) A came and touched my shoulder and said ‘You are incredibly brave.’
This was all wrong. I wanted Steve in the tub with me – but apparently his getting a little sleep was more important. I wanted to be coached and inspired, but I was being clinically observed. I knew already that they were all probably expecting a section, but it hadn’t been said directly. At 6 I got out of the tub for a ve and lay on the bed, legs apart. S turned and saw me and said, sort of sarcastically ‘You don’t have to open your legs yet, Bronwyn for heavens sake.’ I was embarrassed – still doing the wrong thing it seems. She waited for the next contraction and checked me. By this stage I had been in established labour since 5 the previous afternoon. I was at 1.5cm. S woke Steve and they came through and told me it was time to pack a bag. I readily agreed – no tears – I was anxious to get this awkward experience over with, clearly I was not able to birth naturally.
We went to hospital, me with my bum in the air in the backseat. At the hospital it took 2 hours for it all to get set up. My doctor arrived and explained the surgery – how many different cuts and how he would be closing me, he also gave me pain relief options for afterward. My mom arrived and we held hands as I contracted – the 1st time anyone had done this. S shaved me. I asked S to make sure that the doctor gave me a ve before the surgery just in case I had progressed but this didn’t happen, I think that once the wheels are in motion and the anesthetist and paed and gynae are all there, a section is inevitable, no matter how dilated one may be. I went into theatre with S. The anaesthetist barely grunted at me – clearly upset to be up so early on a Saturday morning. I shook terribly from the spinal, the op started, Steve left my side to go see the baby emerge, the paed took my hand (I will always love her for this), baby emerged, doc had to use forceps as she was wedged, they announced the sex, she was put on my chest for 30 seconds before being taken to a nearby table for weighing etc. It all happened so fast! She was 4.35 kilos. Her head was molded on one side so I think she may have engaged and maybe I had begun to dilate properly but I’ll never know, as they hadn’t done a ve before the operation. I was stitched up (watched the whole procedure in my doctors glasses). I remember asking the anaesthetist how long before those horrible, violent shudders would stop and he said ‘By Christmas.’ (Asshole)
In recovery my in laws were there too. As much as I love them I really didn’t want them there. I didn’t mind my mom being there but all these people post surgery as I was naked and exhausted was not pleasant. S was cool to them to the point of rudeness which exacerbated my discomfort. She tried to teach me to breastfeed before the pethadine wiped me out but with all the fuss and the grandparents she didn’t manage to get through to me and I suffered with ulcerated nipples for 7 weeks because of 24 hours of bad latching. Not one nurse or hospital midwife gave me any breastfeeding advice so Ruby nipple fed until the next day when S came to check on me and corrected my latch. The only feeding advice I got from the nurses was that no less than 3 told me she was too big to breastfeed and I should give her formula and 2 others kept trying to take her away to give her water.
My stay in hospital was awful. I had to fight off nurses who were nagging me to do the bili test and the PKU test. I had to fight off the paed and the vaccination nurse re vaccinations and I had to deal with at least 10 unnecessary interruptions a day. My husband seemed to be a better parent than me and was able to burp and comfort Ruby when I couldn’t. They also left the catheter in for 2 days so I was stuck in bed. On the 3rd morning a woman came in trying to sell me a photo shoot for my baby. I lost it and was labelled a trouble patient.
I left and had a routine recovery from the section, needed only 3 more days of pain meds and though I struggled with my nipples, I persevered and am still breastfeeding at 20 months. I did however, suffer from mild depression and it took me 2 weeks to start to bond with Ruby.
I will be looking for a new midwife when I fall pregnant again.
Reader Comments (23)
Bronwyn, this is such a terrible experience, I am so sorry that happened to you. And to think you had gone in with such positive expectations and were so sorely let down by so many. I had my first baby at home (in the UK) 18 months ago and what a different experience it was. I really appreciate your sharing your story and I hope you are able to heal from the physical and emotional scars as the years go by.
I am just in tears. I work with a hands off midwife (we don't do cervical checks, we don't induce, we don't make mom see a doctor, we don't touch mom in labor unless she wants support...) and this midwife just sounds so terrible to me. So very unbirth friendly.
I am so sorry this happened to you. You are a birth warrior. Your body is strong. You will birth your next baby in confidence and love, not fear and insolence. I am so so sorry :(
That is unbelievable. I am so, so sorry that happened to you. I hope you can find someone who will treat you like a person and not "just another pregnant woman," next time. Lots of gentle hugs.
WOw what a touching story! I cant believe the way your midwife treated you. I dont think I would have kept my mouth shut that long thats for sure. You were a trooper though! How many pounds and ounces was your baby girl?
Oh my. I just wanted to let you know that I'm so sorry for you and your birth experience. Thank you for sharing it so that people know not all midwives and doulas are wonderful.
My best goes out to you and your little one.
I want to hug you Mama. I am so sorry that was your birth experience. I hope with all my heart you have a better future birth, if you so choose to brave it again. You have made me feel very grateful for my birth.
Oh, Bronwyn, I am so sorry and so, so angry on your behalf. I wish I could give S a serious piece of my mind. How DARE she? OMG. The "Relax. Stop contracting," part and that whole attitude is infuriating, but the bit about not opening your legs yet "for heaven's sake"? Unforgivable. This condescending mind-over-matter or else you're ruining it all attitude is just the worst kind of woman-blaming BS. I was literally gasping and glaring the whole time i read it.
I actually hope that somehow, this (I just about violated Unnecesarean's user standards here, in a serious way) woman reads this and has a moment of clarity on just how completely awful this is.
If you don't mind my asking, how are you and your husband doing now? (If you do mind my asking, forget it, and my apologies.) I know that if it were me in your position, having him participate in this would have been very difficult, and our relationship would surely be affected throughout my recovery and processing time.
I wish you a healing experience with TONS of support next time. And am grateful you were willing to share such a difficult experience with us.
P.S. "TOO BIG" TO BREASTFEED? Whiskey tango foxtrot?!
I am so so so SO sorry that YOUR experience was taken from you in especially, such an awful manner. I had a very very bad experience with my first, as well. My second, was a VBAC, I was terrified the on call Midwife would be the one who told me in a meeting "you wont be able to be in labor too long, and no more than an hour of pushing."
I spent 42 weeks being terrified that this birth would be more painful, emotionally, than the first & I was just NOT prepared.
I went into labor on my own, he was a c-section, in the end, by MY choice. The midwife coached me & coaxed me & whispered to me, then she held my hand, and wiped my nose as I started to panic during the beginning of surgery prep. In the end, my seconds birth wasnt all that great, we both had some issues ( he swallowed meconium, which is part of why I chose to go forward with the section, he also ended up being 10 lbs!) BUT, the fact that I got to do it "my way" healed me.
I hope that if you find yourself ready for #2, at any point, that you find yourself like I was, finding that sometimes it isnt the outcome, as much as it is just healing yourself by doing it the way YOU choose, with REAL support.
Thanks for sharing your story, and i know that it takes time, years even, but someday you can find peace in the birth, even though you cant change it & it certianly wasnt ideal.
PS- You should also totally give those crappy midwives & doulas a piece of your mind, it might help! ;)
I am so sorry you went thru all that....For your next midwife search, can you find an Independent midwife? Not one associated with the NHS? I think there is a website called Radical UK midwives and they are very hands off and more amenable to the woman...this mw you had sounds like an army sergeant! I hope your recover has been getting better. Hugs to you from Tennessee.
I'm so sorry, Bronwyn.
You are a wonderful mother.
Hugs
Fauxwifery is a danger to women. I'm so sorry and I thank you heartily for sharing your story. It is a valuable reminder to us that we must remember each model of care is made up of people not perfection.
Wow, I an truely sickened by the treatment you received by S. I gave birth in a hospital with a trainee midwife that refused to break my waters at 8 cm dialated and refused to give me an episiotomy when my baby was facing left during delivery... But all of that seems like a walk in the park after reading this. Good luck and best wishes.
hi all, and thanks for all the love!
it's amazing to me that it took so long for me to come out and say that i had been mismanaged in labour. strangely i got 2 private messages on facebook after sharing this from mothers who have been with S and they both said they understood exactly what i was talking about, this midwife made them feel like they were being coldly observed during labour. one said she made her feel like a pateint in a hospital. maybe it would be a good thing if she read this, it would possibly shake her up.
ruby was just over 9 and a half pounds lysana... not gigantic, but pretty big! i am average sized i'd say.
and clare my husband and i are good... we're great in fact. he took his lead from S who said i needed to be left to relax in the bath and kept reiterating that i was not in proper labour. also, she was the one who sent him to sleep while i was in labour. you must understand, we both trusted this woman implicitly and she is a VERY strong personality. i didnt blame him for his absenteeism, i didnt even really question it because he, like me, thought she knew best.
and every midwife or doctor fucks up sometimes, i understand that it happens. but she could have been more compassionate and gentle with me... in south africa midwives are barely tolerated, they have to tread a very fine line. she is super cautious because she needs to protect her midwifes licence. i know that she has to follow protocol and that;s what she did with the water break and induction. but what followed was just downright badly managed. i may have ended up with a c sect anyway, but she did very little to prevent it.
That sounds like my first and second births rolled into one. I had a cesarean with uncaring midwives with my first (and what is it about anesthesiologists being grumps) and a successful homebirth that the midiwfe missed because she pronouced I was not in labor and she wouldn't come. I am sorry you had such an awful experience, Bronwyn. I hope you have a wonderful VBAC next time around.
sorry, those answers were for rose flower and doulala! i read the names off the wrong ends! lol...
Bronwyn, thanks for sharing your story. What a sad mix of contradictions-- the hippy dippy midwife who turned cold and overly clinical, surrounded by people you trusted yet feeling abandoned, no one tuning in to you and your needs. I'm sorry you went through that. Big hugs to you, mama.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so sad that you had such a terrible midwife. I'm sending you lots of love!
Dear God, what it sounds like is that she was nothing short of brainwashing you. It's wonderful to be informed of your options, but not the point of feeling like a failure if it's necessary to choose another route. I am so sorry.
Ironically, I also had "medwives" when I had my second child. I changed my mind late in my second pregnancy to have a VBAC (around 37 weeks) and the midwife actually said to me, "I don't want to be doing this."
I hope you can have a successful VBAC if you become pregnant again.
I am so sad to hear your story. No one deserves to be treated this way, and especially from a midwife, who is supposed to be more supportive and compassionate. It is so hard to be in painful labor, not making progress yet hurting, and have someone telling you to just will the contractions away. Don't they think you'd stop the pain if you could?
I am curious why your midwife/doctor did not try giving you an epidural and a little pitocin. I have had very good results in situations like yours with an epidural so mom's back pain is gone and she can relax her muscles with the contractions, then putting her in an extreme side-lying position and elevating the upper leg on the over-bed table or on a large birth ball (the legs will be widely apart to open the pelvis. The just a nudge of pitocin, and often the little one turns into a good position and birth can proceed normally. I'm so sorry you had this experience, and hope your next one will be much more positive.
Bronwyn, you are a great writer. Thank you for sharing your story and your wisdom.
I am so sorry you had such a belittlling birth experience with someone who should have been a birth warrior right along side of you. Thank you so much for sharing - and you should absolutely tell your (former) midwife how awful and inadequate she made you feel during your birth. She needs to know and she needs to stop treating her clients that way. Maybe you and the other moms who contacted you on Facebook can write a joint letter to her so she can wake up. It is hard enough to be doing the work of your life without also having people making you feel like you are doing it all wrong. She should have been a warrior AND a mother for you while you labored.
I hope you find the compassionate care you deserve for your next pregnancy. And you ARE a birth warrior - it certainly required the strength of an army to get through such an ordeal. Thanks again for saring your story.
Oh my goodness what an idiot of a midwife. I consider myself lucky as I have a great midwife that has delivered all of mine successfully at home. I hope your next experience goes better than the first one. I'm sorry you had to deal with that in one of the most important moments in your life.
Bronwyn- I am so sorry that you had such a horrible experience birthing your child. Unfortunately this happens to WAY too many women and their babies. Like Ina May Gaskin says, "Your body is not a lemon!" Women are amazing powerful warriors and can do practically ANYTHING with minimal encouragement. I hope you got the word out in your area that this so-called midwife is horrible to save other women from your horrifying ordeal. What a shame. I hope your future births give you hope that you are a Birth Warrior! <3