"There were too many things going on that we couldn't explain"
Wednesday, June 2, 2010 at 3:17PM 
By Annie
“There were too many things going on that we couldn’t explain.”
This, ultimately, is what led to my surgery. I have to backtrack to get the whole story out. I am going to be elusive as I am afraid someone might figure out various people I’m talking about as I recount all that’s happened, as I wonder if anyone else has ever had the same series of events. First, some background: my first pregnancy I went to midwives at the first birth center in my metro area (hereafter called BC1). All was well until my water broke. I have regretted for over 3 1/2 years since she was born that I called right away like they said to, and was immediately put on the clock. It was about 2am. I was dismayed that out of the large practice, the midwife on call was the only one I didn’t like, who had stressed me out two weeks before (38 weeks) that the fundal measurement was not increasing and that I was running out of amniotic fluid and would need to be induced. She made me go for an ultrasound and the AFI level was 18, which was plenty, and the radiologist read it on the spot and said everything looked fine. So I knew she was induction-happy. Later in the morning, around 10am, she called to see how I was doing, and she said she could tell that since I could talk during contractions that they weren’t real contractions. Already she was saying I was probably not going to progress and when I got to BC1 she’d find me to be 1cm, but for now she was saying to try castor oil. Other than go to the bathroom over and over, that did nothing. By that afternoon, I was saying I’d come to BC1 if her concern was that my water had been broken for over 12 hours to get on antibiotics, even though I didn’t see why that was such a big deal as I was GBS negative.
So I went to BC1, sure enough only 1cm, immediately transferred to the hospital for Pitocin. I stupidly thought BC1’s policy was you had 48 hours to go into labor; it had been about 16 and she never considered any of that labor. She made me sign a consent form for a possible Caesarean section right at the outset. I had been using HypnoBirthing and a TENS unit, but after being awake for over 24 hrs, and being scared in a hospital, I wimped out at 3 cm and asked for Nubain. She gave me that, and phenergan (didn’t tell me about the phenergan, I saw it on the report later) and I slept between contractions. Hours later, not much progress. They kept turning up the Pitocin. No change. Then my husband noticed that there was nothing dripping from the bag because there was a clot in the IV. Finally they cleared it, but didn’t turn down the Pitocin. By this point the Nubain had worn off. No other pain relief option except an epidural. I asked the midwife if an epidural would slow down labor, and she said no, but by this point I did not trust anything she said and decided that if they get that needle in my spine, then it’s too easy for them to turn it up and force me to have a Caesarean because I was close to being over the time limit, so I went without it. For hours. Just HypnoBirthing and TENS. Finally, the head was there. Suddenly there were tons of people in the room, and suddenly I was no longer to use the “breathe the baby out” technique, nor was I allowed to be in any position I wanted—I suggested a semi-squat, and she said, “Then you are sitting on your baby”. Instead I was forced to lay on my back, while me and various other people held my legs back and one nurse shouted, “Push like you’re pooping!” all while being forced to hold my breath for a count of 10. I didn’t want to do any of those things, but everytime I protested, the midwife threatened to turn me over to the obstetrician. At one point the baby’s heart rate deceled to the point the OB was in there saying I’d better consent to the vacuum or, “It’s a C-section next for you, missy”. While she prepped it, I did HypnoBirthing slow breathing and visualized a valve opening to deliver more blood to the baby. By the time the vacuum was ready, the heart rate was fine, and the OB said, “I guess I scared it into beating faster”and threw up her hands and left the room. I was given oxygen and continued pushing the way the midwife wanted me to. Eventually, something happened that my husband described as the head being partly out, the baby attempting to take a breath, and getting gook in her mouth. The midwife gave me a scared look and said, “It’s very important that you push as hard as you can NOW — don’t wait for the next contraction!” and I did and got what turned out to be a girl, both shoulders at once, and while I did not tear, I got hemorrhoids so severe that it took two surgeries to repair the damage. The baby didn’t make a noise and they whisked her away to do suctioning while I shouted across the room, “Is she okay?” I thought at first I had killed the baby by arguing about the breathing technique and not pushing correctly. Then the placenta didn’t immediately come out. I asked repeatedly to try to nurse the baby to get it to come out and the midwife ignored me. I asked what would happen after more than 40 minutes passed with no placenta if it didn’t come out. “You don’t want to know”, is what she said. Finally, it came out, and she ordered me to pee. I did, she said it wasn’t enough, and catherized me. After that she finally left and finally a nurse brought me my already-swaddled, already eye-ointmented baby nearly an hour later. I felt disconnected to her, and ravenously hungry. I asked when I could eat, and they said when I gave the baby back and went to my room, so I did, and regretted it, especially since it was hours before I finally got fed, after everyone else in the ward got their food. By the time I saw my baby again, she was asleep, and mainly stayed that way for the hospital stay.
Part of my reason for wanting another child was to have an experience that would heal this one, which at this point I considered bad. That was before I knew what was to come next. First, I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks, and was fired by my job the same day for missing work that morning to have the ultrasound that showed no heartbeat. I was in the office being fired as I was bleeding more and more and hoping I could get home before it happened. I didn’t explain what had happened until a week later, with radiology and lab reports, so that they wouldn’t think I was making it up.
A few months later I was pregnant again. Again I got a job shortly after finding out and needed to hide it. They had less than 15 employees, which negates many laws, including pregnancy discrimination laws. Fortunately, everyone but the tall guy and the vegan was so fat that no one noticed my weight gain. Unfortunately, I caught H1N1 flu during a blizzard and they were short-staffed and pissed off at me for missing work. Thought about telling them I was pregnant and the flu was especially dangerous, but it wouldn’t have mattered. Took antibiotics and TamiFlu and started to feel better and was ready to come back after three days, but was fired for missing work.
This was halfway through the pregnancy. Couldn’t find appropriate work again that would fit the timeframe left. Shortly after the flu, had bronchitis. Lost weight. The midwives at the second birth center (BC2) were concerned about this. But I ate more and eventually caught right back up to where I was supposed to be. Then at week 28 tested borderline anemic 10.1 hGb and was threatened to be kicked out of BC2 over it. After eight weeks, got the level up to 10.9, but had one BP reading of 128/84, slight swelling (but I had been wearing socks) and trace protein in the urine. I argued that it was a very hot in the office and I was worried about a career-related exam the next day (which I subsequently failed). Suddenly, I was almost kicked out of BC2 again over that. Did what they said and rested more, and while on my left side on the fourth day, my older daughter was crying in pain over an ear infection, the fetus could hear it and was making frantic movements, and suddenly my abdomen took on a weird triangular shape and the movements stopped. I felt around and thought, no, please tell me I’m wrong—the head was no longer in the pelvis and appeared to be lodged under my ribcage.
The next day, I went back to my planned visit to BC2 and was cleared of the pre-eclampsia threat with a reading of 112/68 and no protein in urine and no swelling. But it didn’t matter, as two midwives confirmed that the baby was now frank breech. They urged me to go to the one OB in the metro area who would do external cephalic version and then “let you go home”. He also was known as the only one who would do vaginal frank breech births. I did not get anything to eat or drink in between these visits as it was urgent as it was 37 wk 5 days. I waited for hours, sweating, in the office. He thought he turned it. Went next door to the hospital for a non-stress test, baby still frank breech. Tech read AFI of 8.85 and OB said forget it, not enough fluid to turn baby. I argued that it had only turned 12 hours before, it obviously had enough then. He said my placenta was failing and that a vaginal birth was out of the question and that nothing I could try was going to get the baby to turn and there was no way to bring the AFI level up and that he was not going to let me go past 39 weeks. I started crying and he told me that I’m the mama and stop being a baby. I asked at least if I could have general anesthesia and he said no way and that no one would do that.
I told the midwives at BC2 what happened, and their hands were tied because they could not help me anymore. Three days later I asked for a referral for another ultrasound to see if my attempts at bringing up the AFI level helped (the moxibustion, inversion, HypnoBabies breech turning CD, and chiropractic Webster technique had done nothing for the position) and the report was an AFI of 9. Since that was still not high enough, and days of frantic phone calls to doulas, midwives and birth activitists groups didn’t get me anywhere, I decided on a drastic course that was to completely disrupt my whole family: a two-day drive to a group of rural midwives, CPMs, not CNMs, with the legal ability and expertise to do frank breech births.
We arrived, and I was accepted to the practice, and examined and found to be at -3 station, long and closed cervix. The plan was to stay in a cabin and continue to try to turn the baby, but it was okay if it didn’t turn. After days of pressure, I thought I could relax. I was wrong. Less than six hours after arriving, I let my 3 1/2 year old nurse to sleep, as we had done throughout the pregnancy. Since the turning, the Braxton Hicks contractions had stopped during that time. That night, there was one slight contraction, followed by a gusher. I Knew it had happened again—my water broke. I panicked about what this meant for a breech birth. The flow was much faster than last time. My husband checked, no cord prolapse. He listened carefully and heard a fast fetal heartbeat. I should have learned my lesson, but was overwhelmed with guilt if I did not tell the CPM what happened. I will NEVER forgive myself for this. She came to the cabin and verified everything, and noticed vernix in the fluid. She said the most important thing to do was sleep and maybe I’d be in labor by the morning. I said what about taking pulsatilla, and she said that wouldn’t help. I said what about sitting on a birth ball, and she said that wouldn’t help. I said what about using Spinning Babies techniques now, and she said that would only help turn from posterior to anterior. It was very difficult, but I managed to sleep a short time, until my 3 1/2 year old woke up in the predawn hours scared because she didn’t know where she was. I told her, “Today is a special day. You can have “boo” all you want, the more you do, the more you help mommy have your baby brother or sister”. She beamed from ear-to-ear and enthusiastically took up the offer. I started feeling regular, mild contractions. With each one, I felt the baby adjust positions, and felt more fluid gush out. After the sun rose, the baby was noticeably, even to my husband, lower — the head was no longer wedged in my ribcage and I could take a deep breath. I started walking to get some breakfast. The CPM drove up and said she had already notified the OB at the hospital and he was now going to be doing the delivery. She said not to worry, as he was experienced with frank breech births and was willing to give me some Pitocin. This was after I told her about the contractions and the baby’s shifting movements and after she had told me the night before that she was going to give me twelve hours to go into active labor. This was only eight hours later. In retrospect, my husband and I believe she lied to us the whole time, and the second my membranes ruptured, she had no intention of being my midwife. I knew I couldn’t trust her, just like I couldn’t trust the midwife from BC1. Based on what she said at this point, and knowing hospital policies and how grueling Pitocin is, I made sure to get breakfast. I even had some orange juice with castor oil. As I was finishing breakfast, the CPM’s assistant came in and did the first exam. She found 2-3 cm dilation, but position still -3. She called the OB, and that was it—no Pitocin, no chance, it was a Caesarean and I must consent. We followed her a half hour to the hospital and I was crying hysterically. My 3 1/2 year old wanted to know why, and I told her now they won’t let me push the baby out, they are going to cut it out, and I won’t be able to do anything for weeks—not play with you, not drive, not even walk at first and that this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
I get there and they hook me up to IV for antibiotics. I was GBS negative again this time. No signs of infection. Fetal monitor shows a heartbeat of 150 and contractions every five minutes. No sign of distress. Doesn’t matter. All OB and CPM can talk about is, “We don’t know why the baby is not descending, there must be something wrong with the umbilical cord”. I said I had two ultrasounds the week before and I specifically asked the techs each time where is the umbilical cord—is it wrapped around the neck? And both times they said it was nowhere near the neck. The OB said well maybe it’s too short and that’s why the baby is not descending. I said then how was it vertex for weeks, up until one week before? I said, we’re in a hospital, you have an ultrasound, why don’t you bring it in here and look at the umbilical cord. He said it is hard to visualize. I suggested amnioinfusion and an attempt at external cephalic version, again to deaf ears. In the meantime, CPM (the assistant one), a twice-Caesarean mom not nearly in the shape I am in in (to put it nicely) is sitting there trying to convince me that it is in the best interest of the fetus to do the surgery. My husband said I should have known when agreeing to have a child this could happen and that he was going to have to go with what the doctor said and that he would never forgive me if something would happen because I refused surgery. The nurse tries to put something in the IV to stop the contractions, and I yell, “Why?” because I hadn’t consented to that, and she said, “Because you are having surgery”. It still wasn’t going to be for hours, and I said I wanted me 9 day premature fetus to have as many catecholamines with each contraction as it could, because I was worried it would end up in NICU. I imagine they weren’t even going to tell me they were doing this and then afterwards use it as further proof that my body was a failure and I was lucky they cut the baby out of me. So the contractions continue, but they are “nothing to write home about” according to the nurses. No one lets me get out of bed or try anything that might get the labor to progress, even though the baby the whole time is doing just fine on the monitors. All I can do is cry and dread dread dread the imminent mutiliation of my body. The only condolence is this OB was willing to do general. When they wheeled me into surgery, even with the drape up, I could look up at the lights and see the reflection of the abdominal swabbing. I would have seen it all, and it was a long surgery, as we collected cord blood, which made me lose more blood, plus I hastily decided that since all hope of ever having a natural birth was gone forever that I never wanted to go through this again, so I had my tubes tied—which I later read in the surgical report resulted in tearing of one of the ligaments to the fallopian tube. He also found two fibroids—one on the outside of the uterus that was the size of a ping-pong ball that stuck into my small intestines, which he removed, and one in the “horn” of my mildly bicornuate uterus (which no one had ever said my uterus had an abnormal shape) where the head had been lodged—and that one he could not tell me was submucosal nor intramural, nor was it removed, nor was it ever seen by any tech in all the many ultrasounds I’d had, even though I would ask the techs if there were any because my mother had had fibroids. This fibroid he could not remove due to risk of further hemorrhaging. The original CPM had first speculated that I had PROM twice due to lack of vitamin E, which I don’t buy, as I took prenatal vitamins and had a normal diet, but makes for a convenient way to blame me. With this info, she speculated that the fibroid put extra pressure on the sac and caused to it burst too soon. If that were the case, then it had to have been present for the two other pregnancies, but no one ever said anything.
So after all the fuss about the umbilical cord—it was not wrapped around the neck, nor was it short—it was long enough to send a good sample to collect Wharton’s jelly. It would have been a long labor—so what, I was prepared for that. There was NO REASON that the ONLY thing that had to be done was surgery. If we would have tried to let me labor with Pitocin, and the fetus would have shown signs of distress, I would have been able to accept this as inevitable.
The only people I called the first night to say that I’d had the baby was my parents. I particularly wanted to ask my mother more about her fibroid history. But she had wagged her finger at the news of my first pregnancy and shrieked, “Mark my words! You are going to have a Caeasarean!” and was disappointed that I’d managed a normal birth. Now she finally got her wish, and screamed at me that I had tried to kill that baby, and what a stupid thing I did traveling out of state and who told me to do that. I hung up the phone without ever even telling the baby’s name and spent the rest of the night crying, and unable to sleep, even when I let them take the baby and give her formula so I could have Ambien.
I already knew a lot about the horrible after-effects from reading this blog, and the books “Thinking Mother’s Guide to a Better Birth” and “Pushed”. Ironically, from this blog I also knew about, and immediately ordered, the C-section recovery kit and the C-Panty. I also ordered SRC recovery shorts later on—they are actually the most helpful. I mention this as all additional costs that this horrible birth has caused. Trying to have a better recovery is the only thing I have any control of at this point. But that doesn’t matter, as none of what I read prepared me for these physical problems: (1) a paralyzed bowel after surgery that the CPM blamed on my taking more powerful painkillers — and I’ve had surgery before, but never did peristalsis just stop, with no amount of laxatives, stool softeners, or enemas helping for days. The one advantage I thought
surgery would have is no problems with hemorrhoids, but now I had that problem again, and it made sense, as my intestines were manipulated more than usual to remove the pedunculated fibroid; (2) mastitis, even though I’d been breastfeeding for 3 1/2 years; (3) severe pain after waiting what should have been ample time to have sex again. There is such extensive nerve damage in the layers upon layers that are severed in the surgery, some of which is “extended bluntly”, and some of it is from the bladder blade the lifts the bladder out of the way—right in the trigone area where the bundle of nerves that make up the g-spot are located. So now, instead of any enjoyment, there is severe burning pain, plus pain after urination (and no, there is no UTI, been tested postpartum), and no, I don’t care how much the CNMs at BC2 try to blame it on “stress” or “lack of lubrication”—this is not that kind of pain, it is a pain of damaged nerves that may never heal ever.
That’s for the physical part. Now for the mental part. No one mentions how emotionally different a surgical extraction of the fetus is. When the baby was brought to me, as far as I was concerned she could have been any baby. I didn’t believe she even knew who I was, even a day later. Once they mutilated me, then I got the Pitocin, for 24 hours, so I could have the joy of contractions while nursing on a scarred uterus, and no chance at all at any of the natural oxytocin I should have been rewarded with. No endorphins, either, just crappy morphine that did not kill the pain but made me so dizzy that the room was spinning and I was afraid to hold the baby. The first picture that my husband took of me and the baby, I refused to fake any kind of joy—nothing like the way I felt with our firstborn. Indeed, the subsequent pictures have forced smiles, as I cannot be around this baby and feel any kind of happiness. I look at her and find her ugly and the smell of her makes me nauseous. I take care of her, but feel no joy and cannot smile at her. At seven weeks old, she doesn’t smile, either, as surely she realizes that I hate her for doing this to me. She had to turn and ruin everything.
So of course everyone reading this will think, oh, it’s just post-partum depression, it’s just hormones. No, it’s more than that. Having the baby extracted changes the entire structure of the brain’s response to a babies’ cries, and this is already evident in the fact that this baby screams bloody murder for every thing that bothers her, with no variation. Obviously, I didn’t pick up on the cues at the beginning and now that’s my fault, too. She also got used to being held a lot, as I could do so little at first, and now only that is acceptable and she won’t sleep on her own. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid after doing attachment parenting with the first child. Now the house is a complete disaster, and even though I have a disgusting red scar smirking upwards at me under a “shelf” that the CNMs at BC2 are trying to humor me into thinking is a healing ridge that will go away, and I’m STILL bleeding, I have to hold the demanding monster while trying to move heavy objects and climb ladders and put things on shelves. Why don’t we hire help? All the parties involved—BC2, the birth assistant I had to hire who ultimately never was used, and the CPMs have yet to reimburse us, plus we owe the hospital a sizeable copay. The CPMs did next to nothing—one prenatal visit, the useless companionship at the hospital, brief post-natal visits, yet charged an arbitrary fee that is not itemized that may or may not have been submitted to our insurance that equalled more than the entire charge of all my visits the whole pregnancy with BC2, and almost the full amount the delivery would have cost—with the gall to demand more after I had already been mutilated. I think the overall feeling is that while I’ve been bullied and not listened to and coerced into bad decisions in my life, this is the one that has destroyed the integrity of my body—look up the percentage of c-sections that cause adhesions and cause permanent nerve damage — it’s ALL of them; destroyed my ability to enjoy motherhood the second time around; and destroyed my trust in ALL people—I cannot trust my husband ever again and we cannot stop fighting since this happened, I already knew not to trust mainstream doctors, but also I cannot trust the alternative to the mainstream—and if anyone is thinking this is a group of “medwives”, you would be shocked to know who they were, they are people you think are on your side. NO ONE is on your side. If you have an unassisted childbirth in this situation and something happens, you can be charged with murder. No one trusted me and my instinct. I wanted the chance to get the baby out the way nature intended and never believed it was in any danger, and no one believed me, and ultimately no one is going to believe me about anything else in life, either, if they can’t even believe me about something that could have avoided my having major abdominal surgery and much higher risk of dying. It’s obvious that my instinct and my health means nothing when all anyone can say is “you have a healthy baby, that’s all that matters”.
So why don’t I get any help for the mental problems? Indeed, I have, but that has not helped, as I knew that no stupid SSRI—in this case Effexor, was going to work, as they really don’t work for most people any better than a placebo and have never worked for me. The lorazepam has helped with sleep—although I keep having nightmares, sometimes of being raped at knifepoint while in labor. I also had a blood test to see if it was a thyroid problem. Nope. Am taking a mini-pill to up the level of progesterone. Not helping either. To add insult to injury, the CNMs referred me to a psychiatrist who charged triple the normal rate and didn’t take any insurance, thus further adding to the financial burden and increasing my guilt. I’ve also bought an oxytocin enhancer that I take before breastfeeding, hoping that it will somehow give me the good bonding feelings I had the first time. That hasn’t helped. Nor has co-sleeping, skin-to-skin contact, kangaroo care, trying to talk nicely to her or sing to get some kind of reaction other than screaming in my ear that is now causing me to have ringing in my ears when I try to sleep as if I’d been to a loud concert.
If things do not start getting better, I think I need to get out of my family’s life, especially the baby, who shouldn’t grow up with a mother that hates her.
Jill
Annie posted this comment which I’m posting here as a follow-up
I wanted to respond to OB’s question: the first baby had late decels with the Pitocin contractions, but I still ultimately delivered normally. The second baby had a steady heart rate of 150 the whole time, and it was hours from the time I arrived, after being rushed by CPM #2 who told me that the doctor was doing them a favor by coming in on his day off and he was waiting for me. I wanted to ask you, OB, if it is true that you cannot visualize an umbilical cord to find out if it is too short, too long, or wrapped around the neck, as this OB kept telling me. I asked several times to have them bring in an ultrasound machine and take a look. I thought they could use a Doppler ultrasound to measure the blood flow. I told him to call the two radiology centers that had done ultrasounds in the past week and he wouldn’t. I showed him the reports. He said it could have changed. I had screwed myself over by signing the consent forms they threw in my face the second I arrived, so I guess I couldn’t unconsent and no longer had a right to demand anything by that point.
As far as the tubal ligation, I had planned to get a Mirena IUD, but my husband had in the past said after two kids he wanted me to get my tubes tied, and I said no way was I having abdominal surgery. So I knew that was what he wanted, so I figured do that, too. I have since found out that BC2 only allows VBAC with double-layer sutures (which I did get) and another vaginal birth to “prove yourself”—so I’d have to have four kids. And all the hospitals around here ban VBACs now, so I’d have to have a homebirth with a midwife that I could trust—and I don’t see how I could ever trust any midwife. And if it is the fibroid, 3-4 cm. on the top of the uterus that causes the PROM, and I get a myomectomy, then I’d have two scars on my uterus and surely no one would allow me the chance to have a vaginal birth.
Something I think I forgot to mention in the story — there were many hours that passed while everyone waited for my stomach to empty. That is one of the things I keep dwelling upon. The CPM who followed my to the hospital charged by the HOUR to do nothing except reinforce what CPM 1 and OB kept saying—I am going to have a dead baby if I don’t have the surgery. I don’t know how many times dead baby was mentioned. I didn’t find this out until we got the itemized bill, as there was nothing in the contract about it, nor was it told to me verbally, as there was no reason for her to even accompany me. If I had been at BC2 there was a set fee for a birth assistant 50% less, and I’m pretty sure my birth assistant would have done something besides coerce me into surgery as the first and only resort.
I also forgot to mention some other things I tried to do to get labor to progress—I had taken Gentle Birth uterine toner that day and for several days towards the end of the pregnancy, and rubbed a blue and black cohosh salve on my abdomen multiple times. I so wanted to take pulsatilla, which I learned about in the section of “Pushed” about Christine Callaigh, (I wish I could have had someone like her instead) but CPM 1 kept telling me, “all that will do is make the baby kick”.
I also wanted to respond to Amy—I haven’t let me husband read the story or comments, but I told him what you wrote, and he said, “Why do you believe everything you read?” I said I didn’t know why you would make that up. You are lucky you got a good outcome, I don’t know if I could have done that.
To people who have told me to try another therapist—I meant to write about the one that I saw immediately asked leading questions about my ability to take care of the baby, then got my husband on the home, and demanded that he come to the next visit. There was no next visit, as we both think she was on the verge of calling child protective services, just because I said I was having trouble bonding with the baby. I have been taking good care of the baby—we cosleep, we do EC, I wear home sometimes (another product I like—-the Miracle Cami), I sing to her, I breastfeed on demand. And she is still a miserable baby. I can be doing all those things, and she still screams in my ear. And I still hate the way she smells, especially her hair.
To Sarah—you are the only one besides me who thinks my husband betrayed me. He says, “I drove two days to help you avoid surgery. What else was I supposed to do?” I say, “not say things like I hope we are not bringing a tiny casket home”. I told him that what I wanted to do while following CPM 2 to the hospital is find out if the baby is okay and try to renegotiate with the OB to do the Pitocin. He said he would have done that. But once we were there he was just agreeing with the doctor. One of the things I had a hard time doing in convincing him to make this trip was find benefits to the baby for a vaginal birth. So far, I think she coughs and sneezes more than my other child, and seems to have digestive problems. I said that I think this is because she didn’t go through the birth canal and get the fluid out of her lungs and get colonized with my bacteria. But I guess you can’t prove that.
To Julie—I’m not sure if there is really anything to sue about, but it is keeping me from naming names, and I so want to.
To the people who suggested I join an advocacy group—I don’t know what more I would advise a woman to avoid an unnecessarean, as the group I went to are well-known in those circles, and if that didn’t work, I don’t know what will.
To the people who said it wasn’t my fault—I still think it was partly my fault. I should never have called the CPM when my water broke once we knew there was no cord prolapse and the heart rate was good. It is is my fault for dragging my family two days each way, costing us so much money, instead of trying harder to find a midwife locally to do a home birth. Even if that had been a hospital transfer, it wouldn’t have been so much money. And I question if being in a bucket car seat (something Spinning Babies mentions as a cause of malpositioning) for two days made things worse, as the baby was also somewhat posterior.
To Spinning Babies lady (sorry, forgot your name)—neither CPM tried to do anything with me once the water broke, they had a rebozo and didn’t bring it, and my husband, after I told him throughout the pregnancy to make sure he had his cellular broadband card and that site bookmarked, forgot to bring the laptop to the hospital. That was because CPM 2 was rushing us, hovering over me, upsetting me more.
Which brings me to Gayla’s point about “fight or flight”—yup, it was hours of arguing, on my back, attached to an IV and an EFM, while CPM 2 did nothing but say that my baby would die if we did anything else. If I could have had someone supportive with me, if they could have taken me off the monitor for a while, put in a heplock, let me walk around, let me listen to my HypnoBabies/Birthing CDs, which I did bring, maybe I could have progressed. They didn’t want me to progress, that’s why they tried to sneak the contraction-stopping med into my IV.
Another detail I didn’t mention—on the surgical report it says, in addition to the breech and PROM, “Having never met this patient before, it was decided to do a caesarean”. So, punished by the OB and the CPM group for being someone they just met. All these conversations went on behind my back. Another haunting detail—one of the last things said to me before being put under was one of the nurses saying, “This is a happy surgery!” I shouted, “That’s because it’s not YOUR body!” It was so condescending. Just like when I said in my first phone call to CPM 1 that I just wanted someone to believe I could do it and she said, “bless your heart”. I now realize that phrase is meaningless. I took it as a sign of encouragement.
Again, without giving away who this group, who are not medwives, who in fact some of you who commented words to that effect might know of, or even know personally, as they teach other midwives, did not do any encouraging things for me , they did nothing for me, and yet there are happy birth stories on the Internet about births with them and even in particular with the first CPM and specifically more than one talking about breech births.
Reader Comments (59)
To Mandy the midwife with 33 1/2 years experience--Did you ever have a frank breech baby where the membranes ruptured and 12 hours later it was still up high and the cervix was only 2 cm dilated? You
aren't the first midwife to tell me that you would have done things differently. What would you have done? Do you think my suggestions were signs of "desperation" as my husband said? The midwife I was using, who passed me off to her assistant, was a very experienced one that had done every kind of breech birth, and one that the midwives at the second birth center knew and they told me that I'd made a good decision and I'd be in good hands with her. My second phone call to the CPM should have been a warning, though, when she said she'd take me on only if I agreed that if anything started going wrong I'd agree to be transferred for a c-section, and that she wasn't going to wait for it to go into distress, because the hospital was over a half hour away. I should have clarified what "going wrong" would be. I had brought all records, including the hospital labor report, from all pregnancies to make the point that I have a tendency for my membranes to rupture and for labor to progress slowly, hoping that if all parties knew that, they might not have considered it an emergency situation.
I am SO SORRY your births were such a disappointment to you and your children. If it helps you at all, please know that you WERE right to want to allow things to progress naturally and you ARE NOT wrong for having done what you did, no matter what you knew or didn't know or were pressured into. I had PROM for about 27 hours with unassisted birth at home. My son's cord was around his neck twice when he was born into his father's hands, he cried immediately after being born and was pink within a minute of birth. He is perfectly healthy now. I had an unassisted pregnancy, no antibiotics (for the PROM), baby was given no testing, ointment, vit K, etc. and is fine.
I'm not saying this to rub vinegar in your wound and I hope you don't feel that way. I just want you to be able to know that your instincts were right and it's everyone else who let you down.
Please, take heart in the fact that we are all out here, loving on you and each of us will take a little piece of your load to bear in the hopes you can get a break and heal. Don't let the bastards grind you down.
Annie, my heart goes out to you. I am sending you healing light to wrap around you and to hold you close. May blessings rain down upon you and may you have a recovery of body and spirit.
Have you considered having a postpartum doula come in to help you once in awhile? I know that finances are tough - there are doulas that are willing to volunteer their services for free or to work on a sliding scale. Having someone to talk to and to help you around the house may assist you in healing.
What you have endured as a birthing womyn is unacceptable and totally traumatic - all the feelings that you have are completely valid and should be honoured. Attend to that place inside of you that is tender and raw. Give yourself permission to need time to heal. Be angry. Be sad. Be disappointed. Just let the feelings come.
You are a strong, powerful person. Right now, you don't feel that way, but that's okay. Just keep repeating the words to yourself over and over again until you are ready to believe them again. After all, you survived all this. You are a SURVIVOR. No matter what, those bastards can't keep you down because you are stronger than their lies, their abuse and their cruelty. You are ANNIE. You are AMAZING.
I will pray for you, Annie, and as a doula, I will continue to do my best to ensure that every womyn has the support that she needs. Don't be afraid to lean on your sisters. We are here for you. We love you.
What a heartbreaking story, My heart cried for everything you have gone through. Please please please look into EFT and contact a practitioner. Contact me if you need a referral, I know someone who works with birth trauma specifically. maria@agapedoula.com
Annie~
You are a strong woman! You can do this. Situations like this are never easy or comfortable, but I know from my own traumatizing birth experiences that you can overcome this. It's hard to believe that one morning you will wake up and see the beauty and joy in your baby's face, but I know that day will come. You may be experiencing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Bad birth experiences can and do haunt us, and anti-depressants do not help. In fact, they can make it worse. The best thing I can recommend for you is to talk to someone who can be sympathetic about your thoughts and feelings.
Of course, this may be easier said than done. Not everyone is sensitive to the problem. Medical staff may be dismissive or too busy to listen. Experienced mothers might seem like ideal confidants. But some women view birth as a competitive sport, and may make sufferers of PTSD feel that their problems are signs of personal failure.
These problems inspired a group of mothers in the United Kingdom to establish the Birth Trauma Association, a website for people who have been traumatized by childbirth. The site offers diagnostic information and advice. It also includes the birth stories of real women who have experienced trauma. Some of these women are interested in being contacted by fellow sufferers. If you are haunted by your childbirth experience, this website may be a helpful place to begin the healing process. http://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/
I would also like to make myself available to you. I am a birth doula and student midwife. I've also had traumatic birth experiences with two of my three children. This is my website: http://www.mothertobe.webs.com. My contact information is there. Feel free to contact me to talk...I will listen.
I wish you the best of luck with your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Dear, my heart goes out to you. I'm just floored by the amount of suffering you were forced to go through. If it is any consolation (which I know may not mean much right now, but maybe won't make you feel so alone), I went through a similar situation with my twins (the second of which flipped breech because the nurse refused to listen to me about the fetal monitor.) So the doctor made the decision to cut me open; even though there was a midwife in the other room who apparently tried to fight her way in to turn my baby. He almost killed me; and would have succeeded if the anesthesiologist did not administer epinephrine the second my heart stopped. I was clinically dead for 11 seconds. It was labor day weekend, and he just happened to be on call. My doctor was out of town. He didn't even know me, and had made a snap decision that would impact the rest of my life so he could get home and enjoy his weekend. To add insult to injury, they MADE me see him again once more to see how I was "healing". I wanted to spit in his face. It is now two years later, and I still can't watch medical programming. I had to quit the nursing program I was in (I had wanted to become a midwife myself) because I wasn't able to handle standing there helplessly while I watched the same thing happening to others. I have random panic attacks, and I can no longer prepare meat for my family that I have to cut while raw. I am trying to repair the scars to my relationship with my husband's family as well as my husband. My husband talked me into it after I told him I didn't want to do it. My sister-in-law, who is a nurse, insisted through my pregnancy that there was a "good chance" I would "need one", and the rest of his family disregarded my "irrational fear" of being operated on.
The midwife who tried to stand up for me when no one else would, in my opinion, is a midwife, and helped me tremendously through my postpartum period. (she had actually become a midwife after a similar situation with her own twins). Your "midwifes" frankly weren't. I could not imagine putting another woman through that kind of pain and expect to look at myself in the mirror again. They should be ashamed to call themselves midwives, or women, for that matter.
I know it's hard right now, hun, but try to think of your little girl as a victim of this, too. She had no clue any of this was going to happen. Bonding is going to be tough, I know I had a hard time bonding with my daughter afterward until I realized she was a victim, too. Nurse and let the hormones take over. It will take some time, but it will happen. Also be careful not to put a load of guilt on yourself for it, either. There were days I would cry and apologize profusely to my children for what I did to them. I still feel guilty because in my mind, I am certain I am to blame for my daughter's asthma or my son's low apgar score (his heart rate dropped with mine). And as for your relationship, my husband and I are working on our relationship, I've finally started really talking to him again after being "roommates" for two years. I realize now he was just as scared as I was. Now, if your mother doesn't come around, write her off for the time being if you need to. I know that sounds terrible, but coming from an abusive household, If the people who are supposed to be the most supportive of you aren't, they don't need to be in your life until you are ready to have them there. You are dealing with enough and need support more than you do chastisement and berating. Find a SUPPORTIVE therapist. I had to cycle through several therapists before I found one who understood why I felt the way I did, and I am now finally making progress with my PTSD. My therapist realized that SSRIs did nothing for me, and now I am taking SAM-E and 5-HTP and feel so much better mentally than I had with any combination of drugs and therapy. I hope more than anything it doesn't take near as long for you to find the healing you need. *HUGS*
Hi Annie, I'm Linda the midwife for 33 1/2 yrs. It's hard to say what I would have done. I do home births & don't put restrictions on membranes being ruptured. There are precautions I follow: check temp. every 6 hrs., have the mom stay at home, no vag exams, 1 gr vitamin C 3 times daily. Just wait for things to happen. I believe you did what was right for your circumstance, & my heart goes out to you. I've had a few frank breech births. Not one of them had ruptured membranes for that long. Each case is so individual. CNM's do practice differently than direct entry midwives, but I can't say cause I wasn't there. I do hope you find hope in your heart, & you heal more each day. I was not criticizing you in the least. I'm really on your side.
Dear Annie, my heart goes out to you. What has happened to you is disgraceful. I'm so sorry that your experience has been so harsh and soul shattering.
Thank you for sharing your story. You give those of us who are midwives, mothers, partners, support people, children etc much food for thought. My prayer for you is that you find solace and calm; that you can tune in to that sweet soft voice within you that is healing and wholesome and can help you recover from your painful, dreadful experience and loss of trust. Stories like yours Annie fuel my passion to teach midwifery students the essence of respect, kindness and the crucial need to listen to women. Perhaps that's what good will come out of this experience. What will be the good out of this for you?
What I do know is you are a powerful and important teacher.
On a personal note, I've been suicidal. I know what that is like. I'm glad I didn't end it all, even though the idea of the potential place of peace was tempting. The idea that we come back and get to do it again from where we left off but with no insight from this time put me off, I thought I'd better figure it out this time and I'm glad I did. Also, many of us have grown up with mothers who hated us and had partners/husbands who betrayed us and guess what, we've done ok :-) Ultimately, the dark night of the soul experience can lead to transformation just as easily as it can lead to despair and death. Viktor Frankl's book, "Man's Search for Meaning' (forgive the title - he wrote it after the second world war) is a powerful illustration of the two pathways and I found the book inspirational.
I found the best thing for me to think and keep thinking when time gets tough is that ' this too will pass' and believe it or not, it will Annie. There are some great healing related suggestions on this blog from the lovely people here. May the love that is flooding your way from all of us who are moved by your words be felt by you and keep you safe through this troubled time. blessings, Carolyn
Annie --
I am SO sorry for the suffering you have gone through. I am a new CNM, and I am horrified by the treatment you got under the guise of midwifery. I really hope that as I begin my career as a CNM (after 30+ years as a nurse) that I clearly remember you and others like you who have been forced to do birth by the book without consideration for the mom's feelings and wishes, so that I don't inflict such pain on any of those in my care.
May you find the healing and peace you need in order to parent your little girl.
Kathy
You are living with the aftermath of a brutal experience - an energetic assault - and are deeply traumatized. EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique - is the most effective & efficient way to adress & resolve Peri-natal PTSD which is what I think is probably an issue for you. When birth is stolen from a mother and her child - for whatever reason, it is a profound trauma; one that has deep ramifications physically, mentally, emotionally, AND spiritually. You are a Divine being and your default setting is for healing; there is a way. Please contact me through my website or seek out an EFT practitioner near you and learn the simple tapping/energy system re-balancing /re-set technique that can restore your wellbeing wholistically. You can get a free download basic EFT manual free by going to my website on the "Creating Wellness" page, (or at www.emofree.com)
from which you can learn with or without help. You can do this...I hold the vision for your & your baby's complete healing. Conatact me anytime to ask any question...you are not alone, this is doable, you are loved beyond measure. You can heal.
Continuous Blessings,
Amara
Oh Annie. I keep searching around in my head for words to say, but they all seem to fall short of what I want to convey to you. Damn the limitations of the English language!
I can relate to your pain. I won't go into my story because this thread isn't about me, and honestly, my trauma pales next to yours. But trust me that you are not alone in how you feel. And there is help out there for you. I hope you can find it and overcome this. You are a survivor. It is a very difficult path but only the strongest walk it. You are one of the strong.
I recently read The Blue Cotton Gown which is a midwife's memoir. In it, she described a "prayer box" she had, in which she would write down people's names on scraps of paper and put them in the box, and pray over it every night. Once her prayer was answered for a certain person, she'd take their paper out of the box. Being nondenominational, as in not exactly religious but still spiritual, as she was, this idea resonated with me. I searched around in my crates of random knicknacks that don't sit out anymore now that we have two destructive little boys in the house, and decided that the ornate Chinese jewelry box I bought years ago in a thrift store would be perfect. I bought a crude freestanding shelf, also at a thrift store, a few weeks ago with the intent to use it as my altar. The prayer box sits on it now with some of my other sacred objects. Until now it's been empty, but tonight I will put your name on paper and put it in the box, and say a prayer for you. If I can't come up with the right words to help heal you, I can at least send some of my positive energy your way.
Annie,
I've read your story and I would like to personally invite you to a private discussion board where you will receive peer support from other mothers who have experienced traumatic births. The website is: http://www.solaceformothers.org/ and the discussion board is found at this link: http://www.solaceformothers.org/mothers-forum.html I volunteer with this organization and am a moderator on the discussion board.
What you are experiencing is likely a trauma based postpartum mood disorder, not postpartum depression. Whether it fits the criteria for PTSD, or just traumatic stress, the effects to ones life are substantial and difficult to overcome. Trauma often does not respond to medications alone, though medications and supplements are sometimes appropriate under certain circumstances. It is important that you have a mental health care provider who is experienced in treating trauma, and who is believes that a birth experience can cause trauma. Solace has a downlaodable PDF of questions to ask a potential mental health care provider in order to find someone who will be able to treat postpartum trauma issues, which can be found here: http://www.solaceformothers.org/therapist_interview.html There is a resources page on the website, as well as a large amount of resources on the discussion board itself. There is no one perfect treatment for postpartum trauma, many women find that EMDR, EFT, or other methods work well for them. Some women do not respond to these therapies though. The key is to find the right treatment for you, and to find people who support and understand you. Even the part of you that doesn't currently love your baby.
I hope you'll join us on the Solace board, and I hope you find a method for beginning the process of moving forward from the trauma you have experienced.
Not sure if this has already been suggested (I read your story and just wanted to post this) but Cranio-Sacral Osteopathy may help your baby heal. It is a super gentle, barely discernible adjustment of the head to allow for proper development and can really help in babies that cry excessively. These practitioners love working with newborns to help them and this may just help once piece of the difficulty you are dealing with.
Annie,
Nothing I can say in an internet post will heal your pain or undo what has been done to you. Though my unnecesarean was less violent that yours, I suffered post traumatic stress disorder for years after my first child was surgically removed from my abdomen and I empathize with all you are feeling. I had to find a therapist specializing in birth trauma before I was able to get a diagnosis beyond "normal" PPD, and actually start getting better. I, too, have had those dreams, woken up screaming in fear, held my newborn sobbing with guilt and anger - looked at my scar and "shelf" and felt hideous and unloveable. I didn't feel any real connection with either of my children (my second was also a c-section, though necessary this time) until they were about 4 months old. I am only now, nearly 8 months postpartum, starting to feel a real "mother" connection to my second child.
I urge you to seek out a chapter of ICAN, the International Cesarean Awareness Network. You can find a local chapter, as well as info about the organization, at www.ican-online.org. You will find women who understand why "you have a healthy baby" is NOT all that matter, who will listen patiently and empathetically as you share your story and scream your anger, who will be shoulders to cry on and stand on as you rebuild yourself and begin a relationship with your child. If there isn't a chapter near you, or if you're uncomfortable attending a meeting, please contact me at the email below. I'm a chapter leader myself and would like to do whatever I can to help you.
No one should feel insurmountable negativity about the birth of their child. You were violated and robbed of the birth you and your baby deserved. You have every right to feel what you are feeling.
I hope you can find the strength and support you need to begin the healing process and find peace.
Kelly (kelly.scherrer@gmail.com)
Dear Annie,
You did not fail, you survived! Your Husband failed you in so many ways. He failed to support you, he failed to protect you, he betrayed you! If you are angry direct it towards him, he deserves it! Those doctors failed you, the nurses failed you. The so called midwives failed you!!! You were tremendously harmed and betrayed! All I can tell you is God will not fail you! God will heal you! All things are possible through Christ, you must only believe! In the name of Jesus I pray that you are healed upon reading these words I pray that you receive the seed of God's Love in your heart and it grows and binds you and your daughter together with absolute passion and affinity!!! I truly believe you will have a happy ending! May God keep you and bless you and your daughters!!!
There are no words, and yet I'm throwing some out anyway. First, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. You did everything you possibly could within this system. You didn't fail your child; this system failed you. Second, those of us who have read your story are here in solidarity with you and sending you every good wish possible. It is my hope that that will be of some comfort to you. Lastly, you sound like an amazingly resourceful (and thoughtful and educated and intelligent) person. Please don't give up! I, sitting here at my computer and not knowing you (yet caring for you), worry that you are suicidal. I thought about using a different word, but that's the truth of it. Keep being the resourceful person that you are. Call a hotline. Call a friend. Keep trying therapists until you find the right one for you. Keep reaching out, as you have been doing. There are good and trustworthy people in this world, so keep looking and opening yourself up until you connect. It sucks that you are having to do this and don't have someone just guiding you through this all, but it is my wish (and belief) that, if you keep going, you will look up someday to find the community and love you deserve.
Annie;
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It takes so much courage and strength to talk about birthing and bonding issues. I am so sorry that your maternal instincts were disregarded so brutally. I am sorry your body and your rights were violated so carelessly.
Although my birthing stories cannot even compare to yours (I am blown away!), I do know what it feels like to be unable to bond with your own child. My last birth was an unnessecarian, brought on by a midwife who violated me which led to an epidural......which i somehow knew would lead to a c-section. I too was unable to bond with my daughter right away....to start off with they dosed me too heavily with epidural juice and was unable to hold my daughter right away because i could not feel my freekin hands. I didn't feel like her mother. I felt more like her "permanent care taker" for quite some time. that hurt me deeply and was so ashamed of myself because 3 yrs earlier I had a still birth at 23 weeks and felt more bonded to my stillborn son (born vaginally) than I did to my living breathing daughter. I was also never able to breast feed her fully and that made me pretty much spiral into a place I never intended on going. She is now 16 months and although she is my HEART my SOUL my BLOOD my LIFE and my WHOLE UNIVERSE, I still feel like I am not completely bonded to her the way other mothers are with their children.
I cannot even pretend to know what is going on in your mind or your heart.....and i know that sometimes the words of others when one is in this kind of state seem to only aggravate issues even further.....even though they are meant with good intent.....but it sounds like you are intensely enthralled in the throws of the grieving process....and please forgive me for trying to diagnose or advise you....
the grieving process is 100 000 000 000 000% NATURAL and an INTEGRAL part of healing such a traumatic wound.....and as you may or may not already be aware takes however much time you need it to take. there are 5 stages of grief: (1)denial :"this can't be happening to me" (2)anger:"why me?" feelings of wanting to fight back or seek revenge.... (3)bargaining: wanting to make a deal with (your mw or ob) or god to change the situation...... (4)depression: overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of your ideal birthing situation. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal. ..... (5)acceptance: there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly.Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Sometimes you may even bounce between stages in the matter of minutes.....other times you notice the change in your state over a few weeks.
Please understand I am not trying to patronize you....I have grieved two birthing losses (one of a life and one of an ideal) and i just want to bring that up incase somebody never brought that to your attention. I know when I was grieving the best advise I received was to be gentle with myself and allow the grieving to happen.....Everything you feel about your family and your daughter is your own feelings and nobody can tell you how to feel. You are right on track as long as you are not having any harmful thoughts or actions. I pray for peace for your beautiful soul!
If anybody is reading this and you practice rekki please send this wonderful sister your vibrations!
I'm sorry this reply was so long winded!.....You are loved! Blessings Be!
Annie,
I'm so sorry for all the horror you are going through after your birth! NONE of it was your fault; you went above and beyond to try to do the best for your baby and yourself. One thing, though -- I wouldn't give up just yet on SSRIs. Any one SSRI does not outperform placebo for all patients, but often people are able to find the RIGHT SSRI that does work with their body chemistry for a better outcome. I personally had to try seven to control my PTSD, which seems to be what you may be suffering from, before I found one that worked.
May you recover quickly and never, ever forget that your family loves you and cares about you.
I am sorry that things didn't go the way u had planned. I do know how u feel, somewhat! I had an emergency c-section with my 1st and had to have a repeat c-section b/c they thought she would be to big. She wasn't, but my point is, I was disappointed that I didn't get that natural birth I wanted so badly. BUT, with BOTH of my children, it was complete and utter joy to see them, hold them and even smell them. I look at them and can't help but smile! This is only my opinion, but I think u need to see someone, a doctor, therapist... someone. I have heard of postpartum, but this seems like much more. I am sorry for the way u feel, but no matter what, u should enjoy your babies! Love makes them grow and they need to see their mother's smile and know she loves them! I hope u find it in you!
Annie,
Jill asked if I would look at your post and respond. I simply do not know what to say. I would like to ask these questions: Why did your ob allow you to consent to a tubal if you had not discussed it beforehand? I detect an air of regret and feel you should not have been allowed that decision under duress. Was either of your children ever in distress? Did the psych ever consider that not only are you having postpartum depression but also post traumatic stress disorder, postpartum menopause (physiologically this is what happens), combined with a healthy dose of guilt, possible tubal regret, and reative rejection of your child (more guilt). Please seek a more qualified therapist. I see pts like you get the help they need and become functioning happy parents. Mentally bitch slap every person who tells you to get over your birth trauma. Hug the ones that remind you will get through it. Again, there are so many problems in your deliveries that I do not know what to say. Wish I was there, I'd babysit while your husband took you for a drink.
I have not even read all the previous comments, but I have one thing to say: You should file a lawsuit against everyone involved in your nightmare! People file lawsuits for many things that are NOWHERE NEAR as horrific as this story and win every day! What do you have to lose! Maybe it would make hospitals and "Medwives" think twice about what they are doing. Lawsuits are the reason many Docs are so cesarean-happy to begin with. If you present a case that the damage (physical, mental, and emotional) caused by the very thing they did to avoid a lawsuit actually causes one, maybe they will have to think again when they decide a C-section will erase all legal responsibility!
Rant aside, I feel terrible for you, and hope that you can find some way to heal your pain and bond with your child. You seem to know your body and know what the steps are to bonding with your baby, so keep at it! As far as help goes, find a counselor who makes you feel good about the work you are doing and can provide emotional support. Drugs (as you know) are SO over-rated!
A friend pointed me here and I wanted to comment on your post.
I went to an OB for my first birth but went to a midwifery group for a hypnobirthing class. Around week 33, my OB started talking about how big the baby was, and if he got close to 10lbs he would recommend a c-section. My hypnobirthing teacher tried to convince me to change practices and go with her midwifery group, but it was a 2 hour drive and we really didn't know enough about what our OB was more than likely going to push on us to go ahead and switch. Sure enough, it got to be 38 weeks and he was measuring 9lbs 13oz on an ultrasound and our OB recommended a c-section. Neither of us wanted to go against him and have a horrible outcome and blame ourselves so we went with the c-section. He was kept away from me for hours but once he was in my arms we bonded well and I thought the c/s hadn't affected me emotionally.
As time went on and we thought about another child, we decided to go with the midwifery group and try for a VBAC. The c-section bothered me more and more as I researched other options and I wanted to do everything I could to avoid another one. Everything was going fine until she was discovered to be frank breech at 31 weeks. We tried everything to flip her and when an external version failed at 38 weeks I emotionally broke down. The midwives would do a VBAC, and would do a frank breech vaginal birth, but not both. They recommended a c-section and we switched back to my original OB so we could at least be close to home.
The afterbirth was much better at first, I wasn't the first to hold her, but I did get to see her just an hour after she was born instead of 7 like my first. The drugs from the spinal kicked in though and made me horribly ill, to the point that I couldn't move an inch forward or backward without throwing up. The nausea finally subsided around 10 that night after Phenegren and I remember very, very little from that day.
Between the disappointment of another c-section and all the mess we went through trying to turn her and then immediately turning around and having surgery, I was just emotionally and physically exhausted. The bonding was completely not there for me. She was fussier than my first, and refused to lay down ever. She preferred to be on her tummy or sitting up. It made it almost impossible to put her down. I truly think it is because she was breech, I think that was just the position she preferred. Our first few months were very difficult though. I loved her from the beginning because I was supposed to love her, but it was well over a month before I truly felt the love for her that a mother feels for their child. And I know that bond was lacking because of what that c-section did to me.
I hope you can find someone to talk to, and I hope posting your story here helps ease your pain a little bit. I'm sorry you don't seem to have the support system in your immediate family, I can't imagine how difficult this is. Please, please find someone to talk to. I think voicing your feelings will help.
I wanted to respond to OB's question: the first baby had late decels with the Pitocin contractions, but I still ultimately delivered normally. The second baby had a steady heart rate of 150 the whole time, and it was hours from the time I arrived, after being rushed by CPM #2 who told me that the doctor was doing them a favor by coming in on his day off and he was waiting for me. I wanted to ask you, OB, if it is true that you cannot visualize an umbilical cord to find out if it is too short, too long, or wrapped around the neck, as this OB kept telling me. I asked several times to have them bring in an ultrasound machine and take a look. I thought they could use a Doppler ultrasound to measure the blood flow. I told him to call the two radiology centers that had done ultrasounds in the past week and he wouldn't. I showed him the reports. He said it could have changed. I had screwed myself over by signing the consent forms they threw in my face the second I arrived, so I guess I couldn't unconsent and no longer had a right to demand anything by that point.
As far as the tubal ligation, I had planned to get a Mirena IUD, but my husband had in the past said after two kids he wanted me to get my tubes tied, and I said no way was I having abdominal surgery. So I knew that was what he wanted, so I figured do that, too. I have since found out that BC2 only allows VBAC with double-layer sutures (which I did get) and another vaginal birth to "prove yourself"--so I'd have to have four kids. And all the hospitals around here ban VBACs now, so I'd have to have a homebirth with a midwife that I could trust--and I don't see how I could ever trust any midwife. And if it is the fibroid, 3-4 cm. on the top of the uterus that causes the PROM, and I get a myomectomy, then I'd have two scars on my uterus and surely no one would allow me the chance to have a vaginal birth.
Something I think I forgot to mention in the story -- there were many hours that passed while everyone waited for my stomach to empty. That is one of the things I keep dwelling upon. The CPM who followed my to the hospital charged by the HOUR to do nothing except reinforce what CPM 1 and OB kept saying--I am going to have a dead baby if I don't have the surgery. I don't know how many times dead baby was mentioned. I didn't find this out until we got the itemized bill, as there was nothing in the contract about it, nor was it told to me verbally, as there was no reason for her to even accompany me. If I had been at BC2 there was a set fee for a birth assistant 50% less, and I'm pretty sure my birth assistant would have done something besides coerce me into surgery as the first and only resort.
I also forgot to mention some other things I tried to do to get labor to progress--I had taken Gentle Birth uterine toner that day and for several days towards the end of the pregnancy, and rubbed a blue and black cohosh salve on my abdomen multiple times. I so wanted to take pulsatilla, which I learned about in the section of "Pushed" about Christine Callaigh, (I wish I could have had someone like her instead) but CPM 1 kept telling me, "all that will do is make the baby kick".
I also wanted to respond to Amy--I haven't let me husband read the story or comments, but I told him what you wrote, and he said, "Why do you believe everything you read?" I said I didn't know why you would make that up. You are lucky you got a good outcome, I don't know if I could have done that.
To people who have told me to try another therapist--I meant to write about the one that I saw immediately asked leading questions about my ability to take care of the baby, then got my husband on the home, and demanded that he come to the next visit. There was no next visit, as we both think she was on the verge of calling child protective services, just because I said I was having trouble bonding with the baby. I have been taking good care of the baby--we cosleep, we do EC, I wear home sometimes (another product I like---the Miracle Cami), I sing to her, I breastfeed on demand. And she is still a miserable baby. I can be doing all those things, and she still screams in my ear. And I still hate the way she smells, especially her hair.
To Sarah--you are the only one besides me who thinks my husband betrayed me. He says, "I drove two days to help you avoid surgery. What else was I supposed to do?" I say, "not say things like I hope we are not bringing a tiny casket home". I told him that what I wanted to do while following CPM 2 to the hospital is find out if the baby is okay and try to renegotiate with the OB to do the Pitocin. He said he would have done that. But once we were there he was just agreeing with the doctor. One of the things I had a hard time doing in convincing him to make this trip was find benefits to the baby for a vaginal birth. So far, I think she coughs and sneezes more than my other child, and seems to have digestive problems. I said that I think this is because she didn't go through the birth canal and get the fluid out of her lungs and get colonized with my bacteria. But I guess you can't prove that.
To Julie--I'm not sure if there is really anything to sue about, but it is keeping me from naming names, and I so want to.
To the people who suggested I join an advocacy group--I don't know what more I would advise a woman to avoid an unnecessarean, as the group I went to are well-known in those circles, and if that didn't work, I don't know what will.
To the people who said it wasn't my fault--I still think it was partly my fault. I should never have called the CPM when my water broke once we knew there was no cord prolapse and the heart rate was good. It is is my fault for dragging my family two days each way, costing us so much money, instead of trying harder to find a midwife locally to do a home birth. Even if that had been a hospital transfer, it wouldn't have been so much money. And I question if being in a bucket car seat (something Spinning Babies mentions as a cause of malpositioning) for two days made things worse, as the baby was also somewhat posterior.
To Spinning Babies lady (sorry, forgot your name)--neither CPM tried to do anything with me once the water broke, they had a rebozo and didn't bring it, and my husband, after I told him throughout the pregnancy to make sure he had his cellular broadband card and that site bookmarked, forgot to bring the laptop to the hospital. That was because CPM 2 was rushing us, hovering over me, upsetting me more.
Which brings me to Gayla's point about "fight or flight"--yup, it was hours of arguing, on my back, attached to an IV and an EFM, while CPM 2 did nothing but say that my baby would die if we did anything else. If I could have had someone supportive with me, if they could have taken me off the monitor for a while, put in a heplock, let me walk around, let me listen to my HypnoBabies/Birthing CDs, which I did bring, maybe I could have progressed. They didn't want me to progress, that's why they tried to sneak the contraction-stopping med into my IV.
Another detail I didn't mention--on the surgical report it says, in addition to the breech and PROM, "Having never met this patient before, it was decided to do a caesarean". So, punished by the OB and the CPM group for being someone they just met. All these conversations went on behind my back. Another haunting detail--one of the last things said to me before being put under was one of the nurses saying, "This is a happy surgery!" I shouted, "That's because it's not YOUR body!" It was so condescending. Just like when I said in my first phone call to CPM 1 that I just wanted someone to believe I could do it and she said, "bless your heart". I now realize that phrase is meaningless. I took it as a sign of encouragement.
Again, without giving away who this group, who are not medwives, who in fact some of you who commented words to that effect might know of, or even know personally, as they teach other midwives, did not do any encouraging things for me , they did nothing for me, and yet there are happy birth stories on the Internet about births with them and even in particular with the first CPM and specifically more than one talking about breech births.
You did not fail. You WERE failed. Maybe by your body (who knows) definitely by your caretakers, medical and husband. None of which is your fault. Or the baby's, though your feelings towards her are understandable.
Don't assume her crying has anything to do with you though; lots of peacefully birthed babies are terrible criers.
I won't presume to give you advice, but want to tell you, I am in awe of your strength and your determination to fight against impossible odds.
It took me a long time to love my son properly, and even four years later, I still sometimes have a hard time separating the anger I felt at his birth from his own self. But it's rare and goes away quickly.
After his birth, I let my husband take him to his grandmother's for three weeks while he was still very young, something I now find incredible, but at the time I knew I was not up to caring for him. I missed him, but it was like a thick screen was between me and my ability to feel love for him.
More than anything, you sound like someone who has been through a physical assault--and whatever the opinions of those around you, your mind and your body are reacting like that of an assault victim's. You need someone who understands that you are in that place.
If you can work up the courage to look for another therapist, I would suggest one who specializes in PTSD and traumatic recovery.
It sounds weird, but you might even call a suicide hotline and ask if they know of local free counseling services--they are often quite helpful about what's available even if you are not at that desperate a point. (I speak from experience here). And it's anonymous.
Annie,
You were betrayed and failed by everyone. You may have ultimately needed a cesarean but you were not given the chance to safely deliver normally nor the choice to make the decision for yourself. Do not blame yourself for your delivery or the "miserable "baby. This child may have cholic or some other problem and there is no reason to shoulder this guilt as well. Again, see a competent therapist. You need to heal and he/she can help.