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Saturday
Aug272011

Konichiwa Patients: Best. OB. Ever

By Jill Arnold

 

In the spirit of the best Craigslist roommate ad ever (which you should read first so this makes sense, then track the guy down on Facebook or Twitter)…

 

Konichiwa patients. Are you looking for the most kick-ass freaking OB that ever lived? If so, look no further. You freaking found them.

You want a VBAC? I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT! You probably can’t believe that I am going to tell you that VBAC is a safe and appropriate choice for most women with a previous cesarean and even some with two freaking cesareans and you’re going to be, like, “No other OBs told me that. It’s got to be made up.” It’s not! It came straight from ACOG. THEY SEND ME STUFF AND I READ IT! See, I’m already your favorite care provider ever! I pay a fairly absurd malpractice insurance premium so I can help you with your VBAC and no one ever wants to cover for me, so when you go into labor, I’ll see you there!

Natural birth? No problem! I get that it’s a big deal to you. I’m dimming the lights right now. Is your husband pissing you off because he can’t figure out the goddamn iPod speakers? Don’t worry! I have a voice just like Enya and when I fart, it sounds like whale songs. It doesn’t get any more natural than that! Did I tell you I am the best OB ever?

Ice chips? F*ck those! You see this cooler I’m walking around with? I walk really fast so people think I’m rushing off to perform some cutting-edge uterine transplant, but I really just ran down to the cafeteria to get you a selection of juices on ice. You like apple juice, right? Here you go! Your husband likes Starbucks DoubleShot Espressos, right? He can pop one open in between contractions. AWWWWW HELL YEAH!

Did you have a shitty experience with a previous birth? I am really sorry about that. They were total douches. Good thing you found the best OB ever! You get to be in the driver’s seat this time barring any complications or emergencies. We can make decisions TOGETHER! I’m going to listen to you and learn your preferences and you’re going to listen to me give you THE BEST BREAKDOWN EVER of risks and benefits and we can come to an agreement. You read stuff on the Internet? Good for you for being proactive about educating yourself! Bring that shit in and we’ll talk about it! I was in the top of my class at Emory… I TOTALLY KNOW THIS SHIT!

Need or want a c-section? I’m really freaking good at surgery. But I know this isn’t just any surgery… A FREAKING BABY IS BEING BORN! Anesthesiologist won’t stop talking about the Seahawks game? Shut the f*ck up, bro! Who do you think is going to be the first to touch the baby? YOU! If this hospital lets me do skin-to-skin immediately following the cesarean, we’ll make that happen, too, if that’s what you want.

Like reading current magazines? ME, TOO! I have a crap-ton of magazine subscriptions in a variety of topics so you don’t have to read a stupid wrinkled copy of Parents from March 2006. The chairs in my waiting room will make your pregnant ass feel like it’s floating on a freaking cloud. The truth is, you’ll need something to read because you’re going to be waiting a long time since I’m probably at the hospital with a VBAC patient in labor. But you know that when it’s your turn, everyone will be WAITING ON YOUR VBAC-ING ASS. So if you want a next-generation OB who consistently blows your mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. Or not. It’s cool.

 

 

 

 

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Reader Comments (17)

Best. OB. Ever!

This will be on my practice website eventually. Word for word.

August 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMomTFH

You want a website? I WILL BUILD IT FOR YOU! Frustrated with colleagues? That's me coming in the door with a bottle of wine! Where's your bottle opener? I got this one, MomTFH.

August 27, 2011 | Registered CommenterJill

I love you. End of story.

August 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNicole

Nicole, I like the way your story ends. I am glad someone does! :)

August 27, 2011 | Registered CommenterJill

Now if only women would show up at their OB's office with this....

August 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLaureen

I love this post.

August 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBrytany

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amazing.

Especially laughed out loud here:

"The truth is, you’ll need something to read because you’re going to be waiting a long time since I’m probably at the hospital with a VBAC patient in labor. But you know that when it’s your turn, everyone will be WAITING ON YOUR VBAC-ING ASS."

August 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBirth Smart

I do lots of VBAC's and this approach is freakin' funny dude, BUT my friendly bit of advice is... that this bit of comedy is not going to help you when complications arise (like they always do). The family (or the jury if you are really unlucky) will think you are a wise-ass cowboy Mo-Fo and they will take you down to the house of pain where you will be crying in your pool of bloody amniotic fluid trying to clean up the mess. Just be nice and professional and do what you promise and no jive talkin. You dig?

August 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDoug

Love!!!

Dig it? It’s been dug, Doug.

Thank you for reading between the lines in this parody. Of all of the obstetrical procedures carrying a similar magnitude of risk, VBAC is the one that has bitten providers, hospitals, etc., to the tune of millions and there’s no way that there’s not going to be some kind of conditioned response to that. Goofball comedy and whale songs aside, I would like to believe that there are many families with decent numeracy and a sense of personal responsibility who can understand the risk, not just of VBAC, but of pregnancy, labor and health issues in general and would strongly factor in their own responsibility for any decisions made before considering filing a lawsuit.

Right on for shouldering the personal risk to you and your practice and making VBAC an option for the women in your care. Thank you.

August 28, 2011 | Registered CommenterJill
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