By Jill Arnold
Konichiwa patients. Are you looking for the most kick-ass freaking OB that ever lived? If so, look no further. You freaking found them.
You want a VBAC? I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT! You probably can’t believe that I am going to tell you that VBAC is a safe and appropriate choice for most women with a previous cesarean and even some with two freaking cesareans and you’re going to be, like, “No other OBs told me that. It’s got to be made up.” It’s not! It came straight from ACOG. THEY SEND ME STUFF AND I READ IT! See, I’m already your favorite care provider ever! I pay a fairly absurd malpractice insurance premium so I can help you with your VBAC and no one ever wants to cover for me, so when you go into labor, I’ll see you there!
Natural birth? No problem! I get that it’s a big deal to you. I’m dimming the lights right now. Is your husband pissing you off because he can’t figure out the goddamn iPod speakers? Don’t worry! I have a voice just like Enya and when I fart, it sounds like whale songs. It doesn’t get any more natural than that! Did I tell you I am the best OB ever?
Ice chips? F*ck those! You see this cooler I’m walking around with? I walk really fast so people think I’m rushing off to perform some cutting-edge uterine transplant, but I really just ran down to the cafeteria to get you a selection of juices on ice. You like apple juice, right? Here you go! Your husband likes Starbucks DoubleShot Espressos, right? He can pop one open in between contractions. AWWWWW HELL YEAH!
Did you have a shitty experience with a previous birth? I am really sorry about that. They were total douches. Good thing you found the best OB ever! You get to be in the driver’s seat this time barring any complications or emergencies. We can make decisions TOGETHER! I’m going to listen to you and learn your preferences and you’re going to listen to me give you THE BEST BREAKDOWN EVER of risks and benefits and we can come to an agreement. You read stuff on the Internet? Good for you for being proactive about educating yourself! Bring that shit in and we’ll talk about it! I was in the top of my class at Emory… I TOTALLY KNOW THIS SHIT!
Need or want a c-section? I’m really freaking good at surgery. But I know this isn’t just any surgery… A FREAKING BABY IS BEING BORN! Anesthesiologist won’t stop talking about the Seahawks game? Shut the f*ck up, bro! Who do you think is going to be the first to touch the baby? YOU! If this hospital lets me do skin-to-skin immediately following the cesarean, we’ll make that happen, too, if that’s what you want.
Like reading current magazines? ME, TOO! I have a crap-ton of magazine subscriptions in a variety of topics so you don’t have to read a stupid wrinkled copy of Parents from March 2006. The chairs in my waiting room will make your pregnant ass feel like it’s floating on a freaking cloud. The truth is, you’ll need something to read because you’re going to be waiting a long time since I’m probably at the hospital with a VBAC patient in labor. But you know that when it’s your turn, everyone will be WAITING ON YOUR VBAC-ING ASS. So if you want a next-generation OB who consistently blows your mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. Or not. It’s cool.